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Title: Idiot's Delight
Author: Sherwood, Robert Emmet (1896-1955)
Date of first publication: 1936
Edition used as base for this ebook:
   New York and London: Charles Scribner's Sons, 1936
   [first edition]
Date first posted: 26 March 2012
Date last updated: 26 March 2012
Project Gutenberg Canada ebook #929

This ebook was produced by:
Barbara Watson, Mark Akrigg
& the Online Distributed Proofreading Team
at http://www.pgdpcanada.net






IDIOT'S DELIGHT




BY ROBERT EMMET SHERWOOD

  IDIOT'S DELIGHT
  THE PETRIFIED FOREST
  REUNION IN VIENNA
  THIS IS NEW YORK
  THE VIRTUOUS KNIGHT
  WATERLOO BRIDGE
  THE QUEEN'S HUSBAND
  THE ROAD TO ROME

CHARLES SCRIBNER'S SONS




IDIOT'S DELIGHT

BY
ROBERT EMMET SHERWOOD


CHARLES SCRIBNER'S SONS  NEW YORK
CHARLES SCRIBNER'S SONS  LTD  LONDON
1936




Copyright, 1935, 1936, by
ROBERT EMMET SHERWOOD

Printed in the United States of America

_All rights reserved. No part of this book
may be reproduced in any form without
the permission of Charles Scribner's Sons_

CAUTION! Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that _Idiot's
Delight_, being fully protected under the Copyright Laws of the United
States of America, the British Empire, including the Dominion of Canada,
and all other countries of the Copyright Union, is subject to royalty.
All rights, including professional, amateur, motion picture, recitation,
lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, and the rights of
translation into foreign languages, are strictly reserved. Particular
emphasis is laid on the question of readings, permission for which must
be secured from the author's agent in writing. All inquiries should be
addressed to the author's agent, Harold Freedman, 101 Park Avenue, New
York City.




THIS PLAY
IS LOVINGLY DEDICATED TO
LYNN FONTANNE
AND
ALFRED LUNT




IDIOT'S DELIGHT

Presented by the Theatre Guild, at the National Theatre,
Washington, D. C., March 9th, 1936, with the following cast:

    DUMPTSY            George Meader
    ORCHESTRA LEADER   Stephen Sandes
    DONALD NAVADEL     Barry Thompson
    PITTALUGA          S. Thomas Gomez
    AUGUSTE            Edgar Barrier
    CAPTAIN LOCICERO   Edward Raquello
    DR. WALDERSEE      Sydney Greenstreet
    MR. CHERRY         Bretaigne Windust
    MRS. CHERRY        Jean Macintyre
    HARRY VAN          Alfred Lunt
    SHIRLEY            Jacqueline Paige
    BEULAH             Connie Crowell
    BEBE               Ruth Timmons
    FRANCINE           Etna Ross
    ELAINE             Marjorie Baglin
    EDNA               Frances Foley
    MAJOR              George Greenberg
    FIRST OFFICER      Alan Hewitt
    SECOND OFFICER     Winston Ross
    THIRD OFFICER      Gilmore Bush
    FOURTH OFFICER     Tomasso Tittoni
    QUILLERY           Richard Whorf
    SIGNOR ROSSI       Le Roi Operti
    SIGNORA ROSSI      Ernestine de Becker
    MAID               Una Val
    ACHILLE WEBER      Francis Compton
    IRENE              Lynn Fontanne

The scene of the play, designed by Lee Simonson, is the cocktail lounge
in the Hotel Monte Gabriele, in the Italian Alps, near the frontiers of
Switzerland and Austria.




ACT I

Afternoon of a winter day in any imminent year.


ACT II

Scene I. Eight o'clock that evening.
Scene II. Eleven o'clock that evening.
Scene III. After midnight.


ACT III

The following afternoon.





IDIOT'S DELIGHT




ACT I


_The cocktail lounge of the Hotel Monte Gabriele._

_The hotel is a small one, which would like to consider itself a
first-class resort. It was originally an Austrian sanatorium. Its
Italian management has refurnished it and added this cocktail lounge and
a few modern bedrooms with baths, in the hope that some day Monte
Gabriele may become a rival for St. Moritz. So far, this is still a
hope. Although the weather is fine, the supply of winter sports
enthusiasts at Monte Gabriele is negligible, and the hotel is relying
for its trade upon those itinerants who, because of the current
political situation, are desirous of leaving Italy._

_Near at hand are a railway line into Switzerland, highways into
Switzerland and Austria, and an Italian army airport._

_At the left, up-stage, is a large doorway, leading to the lobby, in
which we can just see the Reception Desk._

_At the upper right is a staircase. A few steps up is a landing, above
which is a high window with a fine view of the Alpine scenery to the
North and West. The panes are fringed with frost. From the landing, the
stairs continue up to a gallery which leads to bedrooms off to the upper
left._

_Downstairs left is a swinging door marked with the word "BAR."_

_Over this bar entrance are crossed skis and the head of a mountain
goat. On the wall at the right is a Fascist emblem with crossed Italian
flags. About the Reception Desk, off to the left, are signs assuring the
guest that this hotel has been approved by all the automobile
associations of Europe and that Travellers' Cheques may be cashed here.
Somewhere on the walls are pictures of the Coliseum and the S.S. "Conte
di Savoia."_

_There are small tables and chairs about, with perhaps a couch or two.
At the left is a piano, and when the first curtain rises a dismal little
four-piece orchestra is playing_ "June in January."

_Note a line in the dialogue along toward the end of Act One: there is
something about this place that suggests "a vague kind of horror." This
is nothing definite, or identifiable, or even, immediately, apparent.
Just an intimation._

_Behind the Reception Desk_, PITTALUGA _is occasionally visible. He is
the proprietor of the hotel--a fussy, worried little Italian in the
conventional morning coat and striped pants._

_On the landing at the upper right, looking dolefully out the window,
is_ DONALD NAVADEL, _a rather precious, youngish American, suitably
costumed for winter sports by Saks Fifth Avenue. Experienced in the
resort business, he was imported this year to organize sporting and
social life at Monte Gabriele with a view to making it a Mecca for
American tourists. He is not pleased with the way things have turned
out._

DUMPTSY _comes in from the left. He is an humble, gentle little
bell-boy, aged about forty, born in this district when it was part of
Austria, but now a subject of the Fascist Empire. He has come in to
clean the ash-trays. He listens to the music._


DUMPTSY

Come si chiama questa musica che suonate?

ORCHESTRA LEADER

Il pezzo si chiama: "Giugno in Gennaio."

DUMPTSY

Oh, com' bello! Mi piace! (_To_ DON.) It's good.

DON

Will you please for God's sake stop playing that same damned tiresome
thing?

DUMPTSY

You don't like it, Mr. Navadel?

DON

I'm so sick of it, I could scream!

DUMPTSY

I like it. To me, it's good.

DON

Go on, and clean the ash-trays.

DUMPTSY

But they're not dirty, sir. Because there's nobody using them.

DON

There's no need to remind me of _that_! Do as you're told!

DUMPTSY

If you please, sir. (_He whistles the tune and goes out._)

DON (_to the_ LEADER)

You've played enough. Get out!

LEADER

But it is not yet three o'clock.

DON

Never mind what time it is. There's nobody here to listen to you, is
there? You can just save the wear and tear on your harpsichord and go
grab yourselves a smoke.

LEADER

Very good, Mr. Navadel. (_To the other musicians_) E inutile continuare
a suonare. La gente non ascolta pi. Si potr invece far quattro
chiacchiere e fumare una sigaretta.

(_They put away instruments and music and start to go out, as_ PITTALUGA
_appears bristling_.)

PITTALUGA (_to_ LEADER)

Eh, professori? Perch avete cessato di suonare? Non sono ancora le tre.

LEADER

Il Signor Navadel ci ha detta di andare a fumare egli ne ha avuto
abbastanza della nostra musica.

(_The_ MUSICIANS _have gone_.)

PITTALUGA (_going to_ DON)

You told my orchestra it would stop?

DON (_untroubled_)

I did.

PITTALUGA

My orders to them are they play in here until three o'clock. Why do you
take it to yourself to countermand my orders?

DON

Because their performance was just a little too macabre to be bearable.

PITTALUGA

So! You have made yourself the manager of this hotel, have you? You give
orders to the musicians. Next you will be giving orders to me--and to
the guests themselves, I have no doubt. . . .

DON

The guests! (_He laughs drily._) That's really very funny. Consult your
room chart, my dear Signor Pittaluga, and let me know how many guests
there are that I can give orders to. The number when last I counted
. . .

PITTALUGA

And you stop being insolent, you--animale fetente. I pay you my money,
when I am plunging myself into bankruptcy. . . .

DON

Yes, yes, Signor--we know all about that. You pay me your money. And you
have a right to know that I'm fed to the teeth with this little pension
that you euphemistically call a high-grade resort hotel. Indeed, I'm fed
to the teeth with you personally.

PITTALUGA (_in a much friendlier tone_)

Ah! So you wish to leave us! I'm very sorry, my dear Donald. We shall
miss you.

DON

My contract expires on March the first. I shall bear it until then.

PITTALUGA

You insult me by saying you are fed with me, but you go on taking my
money?

DON

Yes!

PITTALUGA

Pezzo mascalzone farabutto prepotente canaglia . . .

DON

And it will do you no good to call me names in your native tongue. I've
had a conspicuously successful career in this business, all the way from
Santa Barbara to St. Moritz. And you lured me away from a superb job
. . .

PITTALUGA (_as_ DON _continues_)

Lazzarone, briccone, bestione. Perdio.

DON

. . . with your glowing descriptions of this handsome place, and the
crowds of sportlovers, gay, mad, desperately chic, who were flocking
here from London, Paris, New York. . . .

PITTALUGA

Did _I_ know what was going to happen? Am _I_ the king of Europe?

DON

You are the proprietor of this obscure tavern. You're presumably
responsible for the fact that it's a deadly, boring dump!

PITTALUGA

Yes! And I engaged you because I thought you had friends--rich
friends--and they would come here after you instead of St. Moritz, and
Muerren, and Chamonix. And where are your friends? What am I paying you
for? To countermand my orders and tell me you are fed . . . (_Wails from
warning sirens are heard from off-stage right._ PITTALUGA _stops short.
Both listen._) Che cosa succede?

DON

That's from down on the flying field.

PITTALUGA

It is the warning for the air raids!

(AUGUSTE, _the barman, is heard in bar off-stage, left_.)

AUGUSTE'S VOICE

Che cosa?

(PITTALUGA _and_ DON _rush to the window_.)

PITTALUGA

Segnali d'incursione. La guerra e incominiciata e il nemico viene.

(_Airplane motors are heard off right._)

DON (_looking through window_)

Look! The planes are taking off. They're the little ones--the combat
planes.

(CAPTAIN LOCICERO _enters from the lobby. He is the officer in charge of
the frontier station. He is tired, quiet, nice._ AUGUSTE _enters from
the bar_. DUMPTSY _follows the_ CAPTAIN.)

AUGUSTE

Signor Capitano!

CAPTAIN

Buona sera!

(AUGUSTE _helps him take off his coat_.)

DUMPTSY

Che cosa succede, Signor Capitano?  la guerra?

CAPTAIN

No--no--datemi cognac.

(DUMPTSY _puts coat on chair right of table and goes up and exits
through arch center_. CAPTAIN _sits chair left of table_.)

AUGUSTE (_as he goes out_)

Si, signor Capitano.

(_The_ CAPTAIN _sits down at a table_. PITTALUGA _and_ DON _cross to
him_. DUMPTSY _goes_.)

PITTALUGA

Che cosa significano quei terribili segnali? , forse, il nemico che
arriva?

DON

What's happened, Captain? Is there an air raid? Has the war started?

CAPTAIN (_smiling_)

Who knows? But there is no raid. (_The porter's hand-bell in the lobby
is heard._) They're only testing the sirens, to see how fast the combat
planes can go into action. You understand--it's like lifeboat drill on
a ship.

(DUMPTSY _enters_.)

DUMPTSY

Scusi, padrone. Due Inglesi arrivati. (_He hurries out._)

PITTALUGA

Scusi. Vengo subito. Presto, presto! (_He goes._)

CAPTAIN

Have a drink, Mr. Navadel?

DON

Thank you very much--but some guests are actually arriving. I must go
and be very affable. (_He goes._ DR. WALDERSEE _appears on the gallery
above and comes down the stairs as_ AUGUSTE _enters from the bar and
serves the_ CAPTAIN _with brandy and soda. The_ DOCTOR _is an elderly,
stout, crotchetty, sad German_.)

CAPTAIN

Good afternoon, Doctor. Have a drink?

DOCTOR

Thank you very much--no. What is all that aeroplanes?

(AUGUSTE _goes_.)

CAPTAIN

This is a crucial spot, Dr. Waldersee. We must be prepared for visits
from the enemy.

DOCTOR

Enemy, eh? And who is that?

CAPTAIN

I don't quite know, yet. The map of Europe supplies us with a wide
choice of opponents. I suppose, in due time, our government will
announce its selection--and we shall know just whom we are to shoot at.

DOCTOR

Nonsense! Obscene nonsense!

CAPTAIN

Yes--yes. But the taste for obscenity is incurable, isn't it?

DOCTOR

When will you let me go into Switzerland?

CAPTAIN

Again I am powerless to answer you. My orders are that no one for the
time being shall cross the frontiers, either into Switzerland or
Austria.

DOCTOR

And when will this "time being" end?

CAPTAIN

When Rome makes its decision between friend and foe.

DOCTOR

I am a German subject. I am not your foe.

CAPTAIN

I am sure of that, Dr. Waldersee. The two great Fascist states stand
together, against the world.

DOCTOR (_passionately_)

Fascism has nothing to do with it! I am a scientist. I am a servant of
the whole damn stupid human race. (_He crosses toward the_ CAPTAIN.) If
you delay me any longer here, my experiments will be ruined. Can't you
appreciate that? I must get my rats at once to the laboratory in Zurich,
or all my months and years of research will have gone for nothing.

(DON _enters, followed by_ MR. _and_ MRS. CHERRY--_a pleasant young
English couple in the first flush of their honeymoon_.)

DON

This is our cocktail lounge. There is the American bar. We have a th
dansant here every afternoon at 4:30--supper dancing in the evening.

CHERRY

Charming.

DON

All this part of the hotel is new. Your rooms are up there. (_He crosses
to the window._) I think you'll concede that the view from here is
unparalleled. We can look into four countries. (_The_ CHERRYS _follow
him to the window_.) Here in the foreground, of course, is Italy. This
was formerly Austrian territory, transferred by the treaty of
Versailles. It's called Monte Gabriele in honor of D'Annunzio, Italian
poet and patriot. Off there is Switzerland and there is Austria. And far
off, you can just see the tip of a mountain peak that is in the Bavarian
Tyrol. Rather gorgeous, isn't it?

CHERRY

Yes.

MRS. CHERRY

Darling--_look_ at that sky!

CHERRY

I say, it _is_ rather good.

DON

Do you go in for winter sports, Mrs. Cherry?

MRS. CHERRY

Oh, yes--I--we're very keen on them.

DON

Splendid! We have everything here.

CHERRY

I've usually gone to Kitzbuhel.

(PITTALUGA _and_ DUMPTSY _appear up-stage and speak in Italian through
the dialogue_.)

PITTALUGA

Dumptsy, il bagaglio  stato portato su?

DUMPTSY

Si, signore,  gi sopra.

PITTALUGA

Sta bene, vattene.

DON

It's lovely there, too.

CHERRY

But I hear it has become much too crowded there now. I--my wife and I
hoped it would be quieter here.

DON

Well--at the moment--it is rather quiet here.

PITTALUGA (_coming down_)

Your luggage has been sent up, Signor. Would you care to see your room
now?

CHERRY

Yes. Thank you.

PITTALUGA

If you will have the goodness to step this way. (_He goes up the
stairs._) 'Scuse me.

CHERRY (_pauses at the window on the way up_)

What's that big bare patch down there?

DON (_casually_)

Oh, that's the airport. (PITTALUGA _coughs discreetly_.) We have a great
deal of flying here.

PITTALUGA

Right this way, please.

CHERRY

Oh--I see. (_They continue on up, preceded by_ PITTALUGA.)

DON

And do come down for the th dansant.

MRS. CHERRY

We should love to.

PITTALUGA

Right straight ahead, please. (_They exit through gallery._)

DON (_standing on first step_)

Honeymooners.

CAPTAIN

Yes--poor creatures.

DON

They wanted quiet.

DOCTOR (_rises_)

Ach Gott! When will you know when I can cross into Switzerland?

CAPTAIN

The instant that word comes through from Rome. (_The hand-bell is
heard._) You understand that I am only an obscure frontier official. And
here in Italy, as in your own Germany, authority is centralized.

DOCTOR

But you can send a telegram to Rome, explaining the urgency of my
position.

(DUMPTSY _appears, greatly excited_.)

DUMPTSY

More guests from the bus, Mr. Navadel. Seven of them! (_He goes._)

DON

_Good_ God! (_He goes out._)

DOCTOR

Ach, es gibt kein Ruhe hier.

CAPTAIN

I assure you, Dr. Waldersee, I shall do all in my power.

DOCTOR

They must be made to understand that time is of vital importance.

CAPTAIN

Yes, I know.

DOCTOR

I have no equipment here to examine them properly--no assistant for the
constant observation that is essential if my experiments are to succeed
. . .

CAPTAIN (_a trifle wearily_)

I'm so sorry . . .

DOCTOR

Yes! You say you are so sorry. But what do you _do_? You have no
comprehension of what is at stake. You are a soldier and indifferent to
death. You say you are sorry, but it is nothing to you that hundreds of
thousands, _millions_, are dying from a disease that it is within my
power to cure!

CAPTAIN

Again, I assure you, Dr. Waldersee, that I . . .

DON'S VOICE

Our Mr. Pittaluga will be down in a moment. In the meantime, perhaps you
and the--the others . . . (_He comes in, followed by_ HARRY VAN, _a wan,
thoughtful, lonely American vaudevillian promoter, press agent,
book-agent, crooner, hoofer, barker or shill, who has undertaken all
sorts of jobs in his time, all of them capitalizing his powers of
salesmanship, and none of them entirely honest. He wears a snappy,
belted, polo coat and a brown felt hat with brim turned down on all
sides_) . . . would care to sit here in the cocktail lounge. We have a
th dansant here at 4:30 . . . supper dancing in the evening . . .

HARRY

Do you run this hotel?

DON

I'm the Social Manager.

HARRY

What?

DON

The Social Manager.

HARRY

Oh! American, aren't you?

DON

I am. Santa Barbara's my home, and Donald Navadel is my name.

HARRY

Happy to know you. My name's Harry Van. (_They shake hands._)

DON

Glad to have you here, Mr. Van. Are you--staying with us long?

DOCTOR (_rising_)

I shall myself send a telegram to Rome, to the German Embassy.

CAPTAIN

They might well be able to expedite matters.

(_The_ DOCTOR _goes_.)

HARRY

I've got to get over that border. When I came in on the train from
Fiume, they told me the border is closed, and the train is stuck here
for to-night and maybe longer. I asked them why, but they either didn't
know or they refused to divulge their secrets to me. What seems to be
the trouble?

DON

Perhaps Captain Locicero can help you. He's the commander of Italian
Headquarters here. This is Mr. Van, Captain.

CAPTAIN (_rising_)

Mr. Van, my compliments.

HARRY

And mine to you, Captain. We're trying to get to Geneva.

CAPTAIN

You have an American passport?

HARRY

I have. Several of them. (_He reaches in his pocket and takes out seven
passports, bound together with elastic. He fans them like a deck of
cards and hands them to the_ CAPTAIN.)

CAPTAIN

You have your family with you?

HARRY

Well--it isn't exactly a family. (_He goes to the right._) Come in here,
girls!

SHIRLEY (_from off-stage_)

Come on in, kids. Harry wants us.

(_Six blonde chorus girls come in. They are named_: SHIRLEY, BEULAH,
BEBE, FRANCINE, EDNA _and_ ELAINE. _Of these_, SHIRLEY _is the
principal, a frank, knowing fan dancer_. BEULAH _is a bubble dancer, and
therefore ethereal_. BEBE _is a hard, harsh little number who shimmies_.
DON _doesn't know quite how to take this surprising troupe, but the_
CAPTAIN _is impressed, favorably_.)

HARRY

Allow me to introduce the girls, Captain. We call them "Les Blondes."
We've been playing the Balkan circuit--Budapest, Bucharest, Sofia,
Belgrade, and Zagreb. (_He turns to_ DON.) Back home, that would be the
equivalent of "Pan Time." (_He laughs nervously, to indicate that the
foregoing was a gag._)

CAPTAIN (_bowing_)

How do you do?

HARRY

The Captain is head man, girls.

GIRLS

How do you do? . . . Pleased to meet you. . . . Etc.

HARRY

The situation in brief is this, Captain. We've got very attractive
bookings at a night spot in Geneva. Undoubtedly they feel that the
League of Nations needs us. (_Another laugh._) It's important that we
get there at once. So, Captain, I'll be grateful for prompt action.

CAPTAIN (_looking at the first passport_)

Miss Shirley Laughlin.

HARRY

Laughlin. This is Shirley. Step up, honey.

(SHIRLEY _steps forward_.)

CAPTAIN (_pleased with_ SHIRLEY)

How do you do?

SHIRLEY

Pleased to meet you.

CAPTAIN

This photograph hardly does you justice.

SHIRLEY

I know. It's terrible, isn't it!

HARRY (_interrupting_)

Who's next, Captain?

CAPTAIN

Miss Beulah Tremoyne.

HARRY

Come on, Beulah. (_She comes forward in a wide sweep, as_ SHIRLEY _goes
up and joins the group_.) Beulah is our bubble dancer, a product of the
sthetic school, and therefore more of a dreamer.

CAPTAIN

Exquisite!

BEULAH

Thank you _ever_ so much. (_She starts to sit down by the_ CAPTAIN. _She
is turning it on._)

HARRY

That'll be all, Beulah.

CAPTAIN

Miss Elaine Messiger----

HARRY

Come on, babe.

CAPTAIN

Miss Francine Merle----

HARRY

No tricks, Francine. This is just identification.

CAPTAIN

Miss Edna Creesh----

HARRY

Turn it off, honey.

CAPTAIN

And Miss Bebe Gould.

HARRY

You'll find Bebe a very, very lovely girl.

BEBE (_remonstrating_)

_Harry!_

HARRY

A shimmy artiste, and incorrigibly unsophisticated.

CAPTAIN (_summing up_)

Very beautiful. Very, very beautiful. Mr. Van, I congratulate you.

HARRY

That's nice of you, Captain. Now, can we . . .

CAPTAIN

And I wish I, too, were going to Geneva. (_He hands back the passports
to_ HARRY.)

HARRY

Then it's O.K. for us to pass?

CAPTAIN

But won't you young ladies sit down?

SHIRLEY

Thanks, Captain.

BEULAH

We'd love to.

FRANCINE

He's cute.

EDNA

I'll say.

(_They all sit._)

HARRY

I don't want to seem oblivious of your courtesy, Captain, but the fact
is we can't afford to hang around here any longer. That train may pull
out and leave us.

CAPTAIN

I give you my word, that train will not move to-night, and maybe not
to-morrow night, and maybe never. (_He bows deeply._) It is a matter of
the deepest personal regret to me, Mr. Van, but----

HARRY

Listen, pal. Could you stop being polite for just a moment, and tell us
how do we get to Geneva?

CAPTAIN

That is not for me to say. I am as powerless as you are, Mr. Van. I,
too, am a pawn. (_He picks up his coat and hat._) But, speaking for
myself, I shall not be sorry if you and your beautiful companions are
forced to remain here indefinitely. (_He salutes the girls, smiles and
goes out._)

HARRY

Did you hear that? He says he's a pawn.

BEBE

He's a Wop.

BEULAH

But he's cute!

SHIRLEY

Personally, I'd just as soon stay here. I'm sick of the slats on those
stinking day coaches.

HARRY

After the way we've been betrayed in the Balkans, we can't afford to
stay any place. (_He turns to_ DON.) What's the matter, anyway? Why
can't decent respectable people be allowed to go about their legitimate
business?

DON

Evidently you're not fully aware of the international situation.

HARRY

I'm fully aware that the international situation is always regrettable.
But what's wrong now?

DON

Haven't you been reading the papers?

HARRY

In Bulgaria and Jugo-Slavia? (_He looks around at the girls, who
laugh._) No.

DON

It may be difficult for you to understand, Mr. Van, but we happen to be
on the brink of a frightful calamity.

HARRY

What?

DON

We're on the verge of War.

SHIRLEY

War?

BEBE

What about?

HARRY

You mean--that business in Africa?

DON

Far more serious than that! _World_ war! All of them!

HARRY

No lie! You mean--it'll be started by people like that? (_Points after
the_ CAPTAIN.) Italians?

DON

Yes. They've reached the breaking point.

HARRY

I don't believe it. I don't believe that people like that would take on
the job of licking the world. They're too romantic.

(PITTALUGA _steps forward_.)

PITTALUGA

Do you wish rooms, Signor?

HARRY

What have you got?

PITTALUGA

We can give you grande luxe accommodations, rooms with baths. . . .

HARRY

What's your scale of prices?

PITTALUGA

From fifty lira up.

DON

That's about five dollars a day.

HARRY (_wincing_)

What?

DON

Meals included.

HARRY

I take it there's the usual professional discount.

PITTALUGA (_to_ DON)

Che cosa significa?

DON

Mr. Van and the young ladies are artists.

PITTALUGA

Ebbene?

DON (_scornfully_)

In America we give special rates to artists.

PITTALUGA (_grimly_)

Non posso, non posso.

(_The_ CHERRYS _appear on the balcony above_.)

DON

I'm sure Mr. Pittaluga will take care of you nicely, Mr. Van. He will
show you attractive rooms on the _other_ side of the hotel. They're
delightful.

HARRY

No doubt. But I want to see the accommodations.

PITTALUGA

Step this way, please.

HARRY

Come on, girls. Now--I want two girls to a room, and a single room for
me adjoining. I promised their mothers I'd always be within earshot. Put
on your shoes, Beulah. (_He goes out right, followed by the_ GIRLS,
_and_ DON.)

BEULAH (_as they go_)

Why's he kicking? I think this place is _attractive_!

SHIRLEY

Oh--you know Harry. He's always got to have something to worry about.
(_They have gone._)

MRS. CHERRY (_coming down_)

What an extraordinary gathering!

CHERRY

There's something I've never been able to understand--the tendency of
Americans to travel en masse. (_They pause to admire the view and each
other. He takes her in his arms and kisses her._) Darling!

MRS. CHERRY

What?

CHERRY

Nothing. I just said, "Darling"! (_He kisses her again._) My sweet. I
love you.

MRS. CHERRY

That's right. (_She kisses him._)

CHERRY

I think we're going to like it here, aren't we, darling?

MRS. CHERRY

Yes. You'll find a lot to paint.

CHERRY

No doubt. But I'm not going to waste any time painting.

MRS. CHERRY

Why not, Jimmy? You've got to work and----

CHERRY

Don't ask "why not" in that laboriously girlish tone! You know damned
well why not!

MRS. CHERRY (_laughing_)

Now really, darling. We don't have to be maudlin. We're old enough to be
sensible about it, aren't we!

CHERRY

God forbid that we should spoil everything by being sensible! This is an
occasion for pure and beautiful foolishness. So don't irritate me by any
further mention of work.

MRS. CHERRY

Very well, darling. If you're going to be stinking about it . . . (_He
kisses her again._)

(_The_ DOCTOR _comes in from the right and regards their love-making
with scant enthusiasm. They look up and see him. They aren't
embarrassed._)

CHERRY

How do you do?

DOCTOR

Don't let me interrupt you. (_He rings a bell and sits down._)

CHERRY

It's quite all right. We were just starting out for a walk.

MRS. CHERRY

The air is so marvellous up here, isn't it?

DOCTOR (_doubtfully_)

Yes.

(DUMPTSY _comes in from the right_.)

CHERRY

Yes--we think so. Come on, darling. (_They go out at the back._)

DOCTOR

Mineral water.

DUMPTSY

Yes, sir.

(QUILLERY _comes in and sits at the left. He is small, dark, brooding
and French--an extreme-radical-socialist, but still, French._)

DOCTOR

Not iced--warm.

DUMPTSY

If you please, sir. (_He goes out, left._)

(_A group of five Italian flying corps officers come in, talking gaily
in Italian. They cross to the bar entrance and go out._)

FIRST OFFICER

Sono Americane.

SECOND OFFICER

Sono belle, proprio da far strabiliare.

THIRD OFFICER

Forse sarrano stelle cinematografiche di Hollyvood.

SECOND OFFICER

E forse ora non ci rincrescer che abbiano cancellato la nostra licenza.
(_They go into the bar._)

HARRY (_coming in_)

Good afternoon.

DOCTOR

Good afternoon.

HARRY

Have a drink?

DOCTOR

I am about to have one.

HARRY

Mind if I join you? (_He sits down near the_ DOCTOR.)

DOCTOR

This is a public room.

HARRY (_whistles a snatch of a tune_)

It's a funny kind of situation, isn't it?

DOCTOR

To what situation do you refer?

HARRY

All this stopping of trains . . . (DUMPTSY _enters from the bar and
serves the_ DOCTOR _with a glass of mineral water_) and orders from Rome
and we are on the threshold of calamity.

DOCTOR

To me it is not funny. (_He rises with his mineral water._)

HARRY

Get me a Scotch.

DUMPTSY

With soda, sir?

HARRY

Yes.

DUMPTSY

If you please, sir.

QUILLERY

I will have a beer.

DUMPTSY

We have native or imported, sir.

QUILLERY

Native will do.

DUMPTSY

If you please, sir. (_He goes out._)

DOCTOR

I repeat--to me it is _not_ funny! (_He bows._) You will excuse me.

HARRY

Certainly. . . . See you later, pal. (_The_ DOCTOR _goes_. HARRY _turns
to_ QUILLERY.) Friendly old bastard!

QUILLERY

Quite! But you were right. The situation _is_ funny. There is always
something essentially laughable in the thought of a lunatic asylum.
Although, it may perhaps seem less funny when you are inside.

HARRY

I guess so. I guess it isn't easy for Germans to see the comical side of
things these days. Do you mind if I join you? (_He rises and crosses to
the left._)

QUILLERY

I beg of you to do so, my comrade.

HARRY

I don't like to thrust myself forward--(_He sits down_)--but, you see,
I travel with a group of blondes, and it's always a relief to find
somebody to talk to. Have you seen the girls?

QUILLERY

Oh, yes.

HARRY

Alluring, aren't they?

QUILLERY

Very alluring.

(DUMPTSY _comes in with the drinks and goes_.)

(HARRY _takes out his chewing gum, wraps it in paper, places it in a
silver snuff box, which he shows to_ QUILLERY.)

HARRY

That's a genuine antique snuff box of the period of Louis Quinze.

QUILLERY

Very interesting.

HARRY

It's a museum piece. (_Puts the box in his pocket._) You've got to hoard
your gum here in Europe.

QUILLERY

You've travelled far?

HARRY

Yeah--I've been a long way with that gorgeous array of beautiful girls.
I took 'em from New York to Monte Carlo. To say we were a sensation in
Monte Carlo would be to state a simple incontrovertible fact. But then
I made the mistake of accepting an offer from the manager of the Club
Arizona in Budapest. I found that conditions in the South-East are not
so good.

QUILLERY

I travelled on the train with you from Zagreb.

HARRY

Zagreb! A plague spot! What were you doing there?

QUILLERY

I was attending the Labor Congress.

HARRY

Yeah--I heard about that. The night club people thought that the
congress would bring in a lot of business. They were wrong. But--excuse
me--(_Rises._) My name is Harry Van.

QUILLERY (_rises_)

Quillery is my name.

HARRY

Glad to know you, Mr.----?

QUILLERY

Quillery.

HARRY

Quillery. (_Sits._) I'm an American. What's your nationality?

QUILLERY

I have no nationality. (_Sits._) I drink to your good health.

HARRY

And to your lack of nationality, of which I approve.

(_They drink._ SIGNOR _and_ SIGNORA ROSSI _come in and cross to the
bar_. ROSSI _is a consumptive_.)

ROSSI

Abbiamo trascorso una bella giornata, Nina. Beviamo un po'?

SIGNORA ROSSI

Dopo tutto quell' esercizio ti farebbe male. Meglio che tu ti riposi per
un'oretta.

ROSSI

Ma, no mi sento proprio bene. Andiamo. Mi riposer pi tardi. (_They go
into the bar._)

HARRY

I get an awful kick hearing Italian. It's beautiful. Do you speak it?

QUILLERY

Only a little. I was born in France. And I love my home. Perhaps if I
had raised pigs--like my father, and all his fathers, back to the time
when Csar's Roman legions came--perhaps, if I had done that, I should
have been a Frenchman, as they were. But I went to work in a
factory--and machinery is international.

HARRY

And I suppose pigs are exclusively French?

QUILLERY

My father's pigs are! (HARRY _laughs_.) The factory where I have worked
made artificial limbs--an industry that has been prosperous the last
twenty years. But sometimes--in the evening--after my work--I would go
out into the fields and help my father. And then, for a little while, I
would become again a Frenchman.

HARRY (_takes out his cigarette case_)

That's a nice thought, pal. (_Offers_ QUILLERY _a cigarette_.) Have a
smoke?

QUILLERY

No, thank you.

HARRY

I don't blame you. These Jugo-Slav cigarettes are not made of the same
high-grade quality of manure to which I grew accustomed in Bulgaria.

QUILLERY

You know, my comrade--you seem to have a long view of things.

HARRY

So long that it gets very tiresome.

QUILLERY

The long view is not easy to sustain in this short-sighted world.

HARRY

You're right about that, pal.

QUILLERY

Let me give you an instance: There we were--gathered in Zagreb,
representatives of the workers of all Europe. All brothers,
collaborating harmoniously for the United Front! And now--we are rushing
to our homes to prevent our people from plunging into mass murder--mass
suicide!

HARRY

You're going to try to stop the war?

QUILLERY

Yes.

HARRY

Do you think you'll succeed?

QUILLERY

Unquestionably! This is not 1914, remember! Since then, some new voices
have been heard in this world--loud voices. I need mention only one of
them--Lenin--Nikolai Lenin!

(_A ferocious looking_ MAJOR _of the Italian flying corps comes in and
goes quickly to the bar. As he opens the door, he calls "Attention!" He
goes into the bar, the door swinging to behind him._)

HARRY

Yes--but what are you going to do about people like _that_?

QUILLERY

Expose them! That's all we have to do. Expose them--for what they
are--atavistic children! Occupying their undeveloped minds playing with
outmoded toys.

HARRY

Have you _seen_ any of those toys?

QUILLERY

Yes! France is full of them. But there is a force more potent than all
the bombing planes and submarines and tanks. And that is the mature
intelligence of the workers of the world! There is one antidote for
war--Revolution! And the cause of Revolution gains steadily in strength.
Even here in Italy, despite all the repressive power of Fascism, sanity
has survived, and it becomes more and more articulate. . . .

HARRY

Well, pal--you've got a fine point there. And I hope you stick to it.

QUILLERY

I'm afraid you think it is all futile idealism!

HARRY

No--I don't. And what if I did? I am an idealist myself.

QUILLERY

You too believe in the revolution?

HARRY

Not necessarily in _the_ revolution. I'm just in favor of any
revolution. Anything that will make people wake up, and get themselves
some convictions. Have you ever taken cocaine?

QUILLERY

Why--I imagine that I have--at the dentist's.

HARRY

No--I mean, for pleasure. You know--a vice.

QUILLERY

No! I've never indulged in that folly.

HARRY

I have--during a stage of my career when luck was bad and confusion
prevailed.

QUILLERY

Ah, yes. You needed delusions of grandeur.

HARRY

That's just what they were.

QUILLERY

It must have been an interesting experience.

HARRY

It was illuminating. It taught me what is the precise trouble with the
world to-day. We have become a race of drug addicts--hopped up with
false beliefs--false fears--false enthusiasms. . . .

(_The four_ OFFICERS _emerge from the bar, talking excitedly_.)

SECOND OFFICER

Ma,  state fatta la dichiarazone di guerra attuale?

FIRST OFFICER

Caricheremo delle bombe esplosive?

THIRD OFFICER

Se la guerra  veramente in cominciata, allora vuol dire che noi. . . .

FOURTH OFFICER

La guerra  in cominciata fra l'Italia e la Francia.

(_All the above speeches are said together, as the_ MAJOR _enters from
the bar_.)

MAJOR

Silenzio! Solo il vostro commandante conosce gli ordini. Andiamo!

(_All five go out hurriedly._)

QUILLERY (_jumps up_)

Mother of God! Did you hear what they were saying?

HARRY (_rises_)

I heard, but I couldn't understand.

QUILLERY

It was about war. I know only a little Italian--but I thought they were
saying that war has already been declared. (_He grabs his hat._) I
_must_ go and demand that they let me cross the border! At once! (_He
starts to go._)

HARRY

That's right, pal. There's no time to lose.

QUILLERY

Wait--I haven't paid. . . . (_He is fumbling for money._)

HARRY

No, no. This was my drink. You've got to hurry!

QUILLERY

Thank you, my comrade. (_He goes out quickly. Airplane motors are heard,
off at the right._ HARRY _crosses to the window_. DUMPTSY _comes in to
remove the empty glasses_.)

DUMPTSY

Fine view, isn't it, sir?

HARRY

I've seen worse.

DUMPTSY

Nothing quite like it, sir. From here, we look into four nations. Where
you see that little village, at the far end of the valley--that is
Austria. Isn't that beautiful over there?

HARRY

Are you Italian?

DUMPTSY

Well, yes, sir. That is to say, I didn't used to be.

HARRY

What did you used to be?

DUMPTSY

Austrian. All this part was Austria, until after the big war, when they
decided these mountains must go to Italy, and I went with them. In one
day, I became a foreigner. So now, my children learn only Italian in
school, and when I and my wife talk our own language they can't
understand us. (_He gets_ HARRY'S _drink and brings it over to him_.)
They changed the name of this mountain. Monte Gabriele--that's what it
is now. They named it after an Italian who dropped poems on Vienna. Even
my old father--he's dead--but all the writing on the gravestones was in
German, so they rubbed it out and translated it. So now he's Italian,
too. But they didn't get my sister. She married a Swiss. She lives over
there, in Schleins.

HARRY

She's lucky.

DUMPTSY

Yes--those Swiss are smart.

HARRY

Yeah, they had sense enough to get over there in the first place.

DUMPTSY (_laughs_)

But it doesn't make much difference who your masters are. When you get
used to them, they're all the same.

(_The Porter's bell rings._ PITTALUGA _appears_.)

PITTALUGA

Dumptsy! Dumptsy! Una gentildonna arriva. Prendi i suoi bagagli.
Affretati!

DUMPTSY

Si, Signore. Vengo subito. (_He goes._)

PITTALUGA (_claps his hands_)

Sciocco! Anna, Per Dio! Dove sei stata, va sopra a preparare la stanza.

(ANNA, _the maid, enters with towels_.)

Presto, presto!

(ANNA _runs up the steps, exits_. PITTALUGA _goes back into the lobby_.)

IRENE'S VOICE

Vieni, Achille.

DON (_coming in_)

This is our cocktail lounge, madame.

(IRENE _enters. She is somewhere between thirty and forty, beautiful,
heavily and smartly furred in the Russian manner. Her hair is blonde
and quite straight. She is a model of worldly wisdom, chic, and
carefully applied graciousness. Her name is pronounced_ "EAR-RAY-NA."
. . . _She surveys the room with polite appreciation, glancing briefly at_
HARRY.)

DON

Your suite is up there, madame. All this part of the hotel is quite new.

IRENE

How very nice!

DON

We have our best view from this side of the hotel. (_He goes to the
window._ IRENE _follows slowly_.) You can see four countries--Italy,
Switzerland, Austria and Bavaria.

IRENE

Magnificent!

DON

Yes--we're very proud of it.

IRENE

All those countries. And they all look so very much alike, don't they!

DON

Yes--they do really--from this distance.

IRENE

All covered with the beautiful snow. I think the whole world should be
always covered with snow. It would be so much more clean, wouldn't it?

DON

By all means!

IRENE

Like in my Russia. White Russia. (_Sighs, and goes up to the next
landing._) Oh, and--how exciting! A flying field. Look! They're bringing
out the big bombers.

DON

Madame is interested in aviation?

IRENE

No, no. Just ordinary flying bores me. But there is no experience in
life quite so thrilling as a parachute jump, is there!

DON

I've never had that thrill, I'm ashamed to say.

IRENE

Once I had to jump when I was flying over the jungle in Indo-China. It
was indescribable. Drifting down, sinking into that great green sea of
enchantment and hidden danger.

(DUMPTSY _comes in_.)

DON

And you weren't afraid?

IRENE

No--no--I was not afraid. In moments like that, one is given the sense
of eternity.

HARRY (_viciously_)

Dumptsy! Get me another Scotch.

DUMPTSY

Yes, sir.

HARRY

And put ice in it, this time. If you haven't got any ice, go out and
scoop up some snow.

DUMPTSY

If you please, sir. (_He goes into the bar._)

IRENE (_her gaze wandering about the room_)

But your place is really charming.

DON

You're very kind.

IRENE

I must tell every one in Paris about it. There's something about this
design--it suggests a--an amusing kind of horror.

DON (_not knowing quite how to interpret that_)

Madame is a student of decoration?

IRENE

No, no. Only an amateur, my friend. An amateur, I'm afraid, in
everything.

(_The siren sounds from off at the right._ IRENE, _near the top of the
staircase, stops to listen_.)

IRENE

What is that?

DON

Oh--it's merely some kind of warning. They've been testing it.

IRENE

Warning? Warning against what?

DON

I believe it's for use in case of war.

IRENE

War? But there will be no war.

(PITTALUGA _enters from the lobby, escorting_ ACHILLE WEBER--_which is
pronounced_ "VAY-BAIR." _He is a thin, keen executive, wearing a neat
little mustache and excellent clothes. In his lapel is the rosette of
the Legion of Honor. He carries a brief case._)

PITTALUGA (_as they come in_)

Par ici, Monsieur Weber. Vous trouverez Madame ici . . .

IRENE (_leaning over the railing_)

Achille!

WEBER (_pausing and looking up_)

Yes, my dear?

IRENE

Achille--there will be no war, will there?

WEBER (_amused_)

No, no--Irene. There will be no war. They're all much too well prepared
for it. (_He turns to_ PITTALUGA.) Where are our rooms?

PITTALUGA

Votre suite est par ici, Monsieur. La plus belle de la maison! La vue
est superbe!

IRENE (_to_ DON)

There, you see! They will not fight. They are all much too much afraid
of each other.

(WEBER _is going up the staircase, ignoring the view_. PITTALUGA _is
following_.)

IRENE (_to_ WEBER)

Achille--I am mad about this place! Je rafolle de cette place!

WEBER (_calmly_)

Yes, my dear.

IRENE

We must be sure to tell the Maharajah of Rajpipla, Achille. Can't you
imagine how dear little "Pip" would love this? (_They go out on the
landing above._)

HARRY

Who was that?

DON (_impressed_)

That was Achille Weber. One of the biggest men in France. I used to see
him a lot at St. Moritz.

(_There is a sound of airplane motors off at the right._)

HARRY

And the dame? Do you assume that is his wife?

DON (_curtly_)

Are you implying that she's not?

HARRY

No, no--I'm not implying a thing. (_He wanders to the piano._) I'm just
kind of--kind of baffled.

DON

Evidently. (_He goes out._)

(HARRY _at the piano strikes a chord of the Russian song_, "Kak
Stranna." DUMPTSY _enters from the bar and serves_ HARRY _with Scotch.
The off-stage noise increases as more planes take the air._)

DUMPTSY (_at the window_)

Do you see them--those aeroplanes--flying up from the field down there?

HARRY (_glances toward window, without interest_)

Yes--I see them.

DUMPTSY

Those are the big ones. They're full of bombs, to drop on people. Look!
They're going north. Maybe Berlin. Maybe Paris.

(HARRY _strikes a few chords_.)

HARRY

Did you ever jump with a parachute?

DUMPTSY

Why, no--sir. (_He looks questioningly at_ HARRY.)

HARRY

Well, I have--a couple of times. And it's nothing. But--I didn't land in
any jungle. I landed where I was supposed to--in the Fair Grounds.

DUMPTSY (_seriously_)

That's interesting, sir.

(_The_ ROSSIS _enter from the bar. He is holding a handkerchief to his
mouth. She is supporting him as they cross._)

SIGNORA ROSSI

Non t'ho detto che dovevi fare attenzione? Te l'ho detto, te l'ho detto
che sarebbe accaduto ci. Vedi, ora ti piglia un accesso di tosse.

ROSSI

'Scusatemi, Mina. (_Another coughing fit._)

SIGNORA ROSSI

Va a sdraiarti. Dovresti riposarti a lungo. E adopera il termometro.
Scometto che t' aumentata la temperatura. (_They go out._)

DUMPTSY

That Signor Rossi--he has tuberculosis.

HARRY

Is he getting cured up here?

(_The_ DOCTOR _appears on the landing above_.)

DUMPTSY

Ja. This used to be a sanatorium, in the old days. But the
Fascisti--they don't like to admit that any one can be sick! (_He starts
to go._)

DOCTOR

Dumptsy!

DUMPTSY

Herr Doctor.

DOCTOR (_coming down_)

Mineral water.

DUMPTSY

Ja wohl, Herr Doctor.

(DUMPTSY _goes out, left. The_ DOCTOR _sits down_. HARRY _takes one more
look toward the gallery, where_ IRENE _had been. He then looks at the_
DOCTOR, _and decides not to suggest joining him. He starts to play_ "Kak
Stranna." _The_ DOCTOR _turns and looks at him, with some surprise. The
uproar of planes is now terrific, but it starts to dwindle as the planes
depart._)

DOCTOR

What is that you are playing?

HARRY

A Russian song, entitled "Kak Stranna," meaning "how strange!" One of
those morose ballads about how once we met, for one immortal moment,
like ships that pass in the night. Or maybe like a couple of trucks,
side-swiping each other. And now we meet again! How strange!

DOCTOR

You are a musician?

HARRY

Certainly. I used to play the piano in picture theatres--when that was
the only kind of sound they had--except the peanuts.

(DUMPTSY _brings in the mineral water and stops to listen, admiringly_.)

DOCTOR

Do you know Bach?

HARRY

With pleasure. (_He shifts into something or other by Bach._)

DOCTOR (_after a moment_)

You have good appreciation, but not much skill.

HARRY

What do you mean, not much skill? Listen to this. (_He goes into a trick
arrangement of_ "The Waters of the Minnetonka.") "The Waters of the
Minnetonka"--Cadman. (_He goes on playing._) Suitable for
Scenics--Niagara Falls by moonlight. Or--if you play it this way--it
goes fine with the scene where the young Indian chief turns out to be a
Yale man, so it's O.K. for him to marry Lillian ("Dimples") Walker.
(_Starts playing_ "Boola, Boola.")

DOCTOR

Will you have a drink?

HARRY

Oh! So you want me to stop playing?

DOCTOR

No, no! I like your music very much.

HARRY

Then, in that case, I'd be delighted to drink with you. Another Scotch,
Dumptsy.

DUMPTSY

If you please, sir. (_He goes out._)

DOCTOR

I'm afraid I was rude to you.

HARRY

That's all right, pal. I've been rude to lots of people, and never
regretted it. (_He plays on, shifting back into_ "Kak Stranna.")

DOCTOR

The fact is, I am a man who is very gravely distressed.

HARRY

I can see that, Doctor. And I sympathize with you.

DOCTOR (_fiercely_)

You cannot sympathize with me, because you do not know!

HARRY

No--I guess I don't know--except in a general way.

DOCTOR

You are familiar with the writings of Thomas Mann. (_It is a challenge,
rather than a question._)

HARRY

I'm afraid not, pal.

(_The_ DOCTOR _opens_ "The Magic Mountain," _which he has been
reading_.)

DOCTOR

"Backsliding"--he said--"spiritual backsliding to that dark and tortured
age--that, believe me, is disease! A degradation of mankind--a
degradation painful and offensive to conceive." True words, eh?

HARRY

Absolutely!

(DUMPTSY _comes in with the Scotch_. HARRY _gets up from the piano and
crosses_. DUMPTSY _goes_. HARRY _sits down with the_ DOCTOR.)

DOCTOR

Have you had any experience with the disease of cancer?

HARRY

Certainly. I once sold a remedy for it.

DOCTOR (_exploding_)

There _is_ no remedy for it, so far!

HARRY

Well--this was kind of a remedy for everything.

DOCTOR

I am within _that_ of finding the cure for cancer! You probably have not
heard of Fibiger, I suppose?

HARRY

I may have. I'm not sure.

DOCTOR

He was a Dane--experimented with rats. He did good work, but he died
before it could be completed. I carry it on. I have been working with
Oriental rats, in Bologna. But because of this war scare, I must go to
neutral territory. You see, nothing must be allowed to interfere with my
experiments. Nothing!

HARRY

No. They're important.

DOCTOR

The laboratory of the University of Zurich has been placed at my
disposal--and in Switzerland, I can work, undisturbed. I have
twenty-eight rats with me, all in various carefully tabulated stages of
the disease. It is the disease of civilization--and I can cure it. And
now they say I must not cross the border.

HARRY

You know, Doctor, it _is_ funny.

DOCTOR

_What's_ funny? To you, everything is funny!

HARRY

No--it's just that you and I are in the same fix. Both trying to get
across that line. You with rats--me with girls. Of course--I appreciate
the fact that civilization at large won't suffer much if _we_ get stuck
in the war zone. Whereas with you, there's a lot at stake . . .

DOCTOR

It is for me to win one of the greatest victories of all time. And the
victory belongs to Germany.

HARRY

Sure it does!

DOCTOR

Unfortunately, just now the situation in Germany is not good for
research. They are infected with the same virus as here. Chauvinistic
nationalism! They expect all bacteriologists to work on germs to put in
bombs to drop from airplanes. To fill people with death! When we've
given our lives to _save_ people. Oh--God in heaven--why don't they let
me do what is good? Good for the whole world? Forgive me. I become
excited.

HARRY

I know just how you feel, Doctor. Back in 1918, I was a shill with a
carnival show, and I was doing fine. The boss thought very highly of me.
He offered to give me a piece of the show, and I had a chance to get
somewhere. And then what do you think happened? Along comes the United
States Government and they drafted me! You're in the army now! They
slapped me into a uniform and for three whole months before the
Armistice, I was parading up and down guarding the Ashokan Reservoir.
They were afraid your people might poison it. I've always figured that
that little interruption ruined my career. But I've remained an
optimist, Doctor.

DOCTOR

_You_ can afford to.

HARRY

I've remained an optimist because I'm essentially a student of human
nature. You dissect corpses and rats and similar unpleasant things.
Well,--it has been my job to dissect suckers! I've probed into the souls
of some of the God-damnedest specimens. And what have I found? Now,
don't sneer at me, Doctor--but above everything else I've found Faith.
Faith in peace on earth and good will to men--and faith that "Muma,"
"Muma" the three-legged girl, really has got three legs. All my life,
Doctor, I've been selling phoney goods to people of meagre intelligence
and great faith. You'd think that would make me contemptuous of the
human race, wouldn't you? But--on the contrary--it has given _me_ Faith.
It has made me sure that no matter how much the meek may be bulldozed or
gypped they _will_ eventually inherit the earth.

(SHIRLEY _and_ BEBE _come in from the lobby_.)

SHIRLEY

Harry!

HARRY

What is it, honey?

(SHIRLEY _goes to_ HARRY _and hands him a printed notice_.)

SHIRLEY (_excited_)

Did you see this?

HARRY

Doctor--let me introduce, Miss Shirley Laughlin and Miss Bebe Gould.

SHIRLEY

How do you do?

DOCTOR (_grunts_)

How do you do.

BEBE

Pleased to know you, Doctor.

(HARRY _looks at the notice_.)

SHIRLEY

They got one of those put up in every one of our rooms.

HARRY (_showing it to the_ DOCTOR)

Look--"What to do in case of air-raids"--in all languages.

DOCTOR

Ja--I saw that.

SHIRLEY

Give it back to me, Harry. I'm going to send it to Mama.

HARRY (_handing it to her_)

Souvenir of Europe.

SHIRLEY

It'll scare the hell out of her.

BEBE

What's the matter with these people over here? Are they all screwy?

HARRY

Bebe--you hit it right on the nose! (_Turns to the_ DOCTOR.) I tell you,
Doctor--these are very wonderful, profound girls. The mothers of
to-morrow!

(_He beams on them._ BEULAH _comes in_.)

SHIRLEY

Oh--shut up!

BEULAH

Say--Harry . . .

HARRY

What is it, honey?

BEULAH

Is it all right if I go out with Mr. Navadel and try to learn how to do
this ski-ing?

(WEBER _comes out on the gallery and starts down_.)

HARRY

What? And risk those pretty legs? Emphatically--no!

BEULAH

But it's healthy.

HARRY

Not for me, dear. Those gams of yours are my bread and butter. (WEBER
_crosses. They look at him. He glances briefly at them._) Sit down,
girls, and amuse yourselves with your own thoughts.

(_The_ GIRLS _sit_. WEBER, _at the left, lights his cigar. The_ CAPTAIN
_comes in, quickly, obviously worried_.)

CAPTAIN

I have been trying to get through to headquarters, Monsieur Weber.

WEBER

And when can we leave?

CAPTAIN

Not before to-morrow, I regret to say.

(IRENE _appears on the gallery_.)

WEBER

Signor Lanza in Venice assured me there would be no delay.

CAPTAIN

There would be none, if only I could get into communication with the
proper authorities. But--the wires are crowded. The whole nation is in a
state of uproar.

WEBER

It's absurd lack of organization.

(_The_ PIANIST _and_ DRUMMER _come in from the lobby. The_ VIOLINIST
_and_ SAXOPHONIST _follow_.)

CAPTAIN (_with tense solemnity_)

There is good excuse for the excitement now, Monsieur Weber. The report
has just come to us that a state of war exists between Italy and
France.

HARRY

What?

CAPTAIN

There is a rumor of war between Italy and France!

HARRY

Rumors--rumors--everything's rumors! When are we going to _know_?

CAPTAIN

Soon enough, my friend.

DOCTOR

And what of Germany?

CAPTAIN

Germany has mobilized. (IRENE _pauses to listen_.) But I don't know if
any decision has been reached. Nor do I know anything of the situation
anywhere else. But--God help us--it will be serious enough for everyone
on this earth.

(IRENE _joins_ WEBER, _who has sat down at the left_.)

IRENE (_to_ WEBER, _and straight at him_)

But I thought they were all too well prepared, Achille. Has there been
some mistake somewhere?

WEBER (_confidentially_)

We can only attribute it to spontaneous combustion of the dictatorial
ego.

IRENE (_grimly_)

I can imagine how thrilling it must be in Paris at this moment. Just
like 1914. All the lovely soldiers--singing--marching--marching! We must
go at once to Paris, Achille.

HARRY (_rises_)

What's the matter with the music, professor? Us young folks want to
dance.

(ELAINE _and_ FRANCINE _come in_.)

ELAINE

Can we have a drink now, Harry?

HARRY

Sure. Sit down.

(DON _enters, exuding gratification at the sight of this gay, chic
throng. The_ ORCHESTRA _starts to play_ "Valencia.")

WEBER

Will you have a drink, Irene?

IRENE

No, thank you.

WEBER

Will you, Captain Locicero?

CAPTAIN

Thank you. Brandy and soda, Dumptsy.

DUMPTSY

Si, Signor.

BEBE (_yells_)

Edna! We're going to have a drink!

(EDNA _comes in_.)

WEBER

For me, Cinzano.

DUMPTSY

Oui, Monsieur. (_He goes into the bar._)

DOCTOR

It is all incredible.

HARRY

Nevertheless, Doctor, I remain an optimist. (_He looks at_ IRENE.) Let
doubt prevail throughout this night--with dawn will come again the light
of truth! (_He turns to_ SHIRLEY.) Come on, honey--let's dance.

(_They dance._ DON _dances with_ BEULAH. _The_ ORCHESTRA _continues with
its spirited but frail performance of_ "Valencia." _There are probably
"border incidents" in Lorraine, the Riviera, Poland, Czecho-Slovakia and
Mongolia._)


CURTAIN




ACT II


SCENE I

_It is about 7:30 in the evening of the same day._

_The_ CHERRYS _are seated, both of them dressed for dinner_. AUGUSTE _is
serving them cocktails_.


CHERRY

Thank you.

AUGUSTE

Thank you, Signor.

CHERRY

Has any more news come through?

AUGUSTE

No, Signor. They permit the wireless to say nothing.

CHERRY

I suppose nothing really will happen.

AUGUSTE

Let us pray that is so, Signor. (AUGUSTE _goes into the bar_. CHERRY
_leans over and kisses his wife_.)

CHERRY

My sweet . . . you're really very lovely.

MRS. CHERRY

Yes. (_He kisses her again, then lifts his glass._)

CHERRY

Here's to us, darling.

MRS. CHERRY

And to hell with all the rest.

CHERRY

And to hell with all the rest. (_They drink, solemnly._)

MRS. CHERRY

Jimmy----

CHERRY

What is it, darling?

MRS. CHERRY

Were you just saying that--or do you believe it?

CHERRY

That you're lovely? I can give you the most solemn assurance. . . .

MRS. CHERRY

No--that nothing is going to happen.

CHERRY

Oh.

MRS. CHERRY

Do you believe that?

CHERRY

I know this much: they can't start any real war without England. And no
matter how stupid and blundering our government may be, our people
simply won't stand for it.

MRS. CHERRY

But people can be such complete fools.

CHERRY

I know it, darling. Why can't they all be like us?

MRS. CHERRY

You mean--nice.

CHERRY

Yes--nice--and intelligent--and happy.

MRS. CHERRY

We're very conceited, aren't we?

CHERRY

Of course. And for good and sufficient reason.

MRS. CHERRY

I'm glad we're so superior, darling. It's comforting.

(HARRY _comes in from bar_.)

CHERRY

Oh--good evening, Mr. Van.

HARRY

Good evening. Pardon me--(_He starts to go._)

CHERRY

Oh--don't run away, Mr. Van. Let's have some music.

MRS. CHERRY

Won't you have a drink with us?

HARRY

No, thanks, MRS. CHERRY--if you don't mind. (_Sits down at the piano._)
I'm afraid I put down too many Scotches this afternoon. As a result of
which, I've just had to treat myself to a bicarbonate of soda. (_Starts
playing_ "Some of these days.")

MRS. CHERRY

I love that.

HARRY

Thanks, pal--always grateful for applause from the discriminating.
(_Finishes the chorus and stops._)

CHERRY

Do play some more.

HARRY

No. The mood isn't right.

MRS. CHERRY

I can't tell you what a relief it is to have you here in this hotel.

HARRY

It's kind of you to say that, Mrs. Cherry. But I don't deserve
your handsome tribute. Frequently, I can be an asset to any
gathering--contributing humorous anecdotes and bits of homely
philosophy. But here and now, I'm far from my best.

CHERRY

You're the only one here who seems to have retained any degree of
sanity.

MRS. CHERRY

You and your young ladies.

HARRY

The girls are lucky. They don't know anything. And the trouble with me
is that I just don't give a damn.

MRS. CHERRY

We've been trying hard not to know anything--or not to give a damn. But
it isn't easy.

HARRY

You haven't been married very long, have you? I hope you don't mind my
asking. . . .

CHERRY

We were married the day before yesterday.

HARRY

Let me offer my congratulations.

CHERRY

Thank you very much.

HARRY

It's my purely intuitive hunch that you two ought to get along fine.

CHERRY

That's our intention, Mr. Van.

MRS. CHERRY

And we'll do it, what's more. You see--we have one supreme thing in
common:

HARRY

Yeah?

MRS. CHERRY

We're both independent.

CHERRY

We're like you Americans, in that respect.

HARRY

You flatter us.

MRS. CHERRY

Jimmy's a painter.

HARRY

You don't say!

MRS. CHERRY

He has been out in Australia, doing colossal murals for some government
building. He won't show me the photographs of them, but I'm sure they're
simply awful. (_She laughs fondly._)

CHERRY

They're allegorical. (_He laughs, too._)

HARRY

I'll bet they're good, at that. What do you do, Mrs. Cherry?

MRS. CHERRY

Oh, I work in the gift department at Fortnum's----

HARRY

Behind a counter, eh!

MRS. CHERRY

Yes--wearing a smock, and disgracing my family.

HARRY

Well, what d'ye know!

MRS. CHERRY

Both our families hoped we'd be married in some nice little church, and
settle down in a nice little cottage, in a nice little state of decay.
But when I heard Jimmy was on the way home I just dropped everything and
rushed down here to meet him--and we were married, in Florence.

CHERRY

We hadn't seen each other for nearly a year--so, you can imagine, it was
all rather exciting.

HARRY

I can imagine.

MRS. CHERRY

Florence is the most perfect place in the world to be married in.

HARRY

I guess that's true of any place.

CHERRY

We both happen to love Italy. And--I suppose--we're both rather on the
romantic side.

HARRY

You stay on that side, no matter what happens.

MRS. CHERRY (_quickly_)

What do you think is going to happen?

HARRY

Me? I haven't the slightest idea.

CHERRY

We've looked forward so much to being here with no one bothering us, and
plenty of winter sports. We're both keen on ski-ing. And now--we may
have to go dashing back to England at any moment.

MRS. CHERRY

It's rotten luck, isn't it?

HARRY

Yes, Mrs. Cherry. That's what it is--it's rotten. (QUILLERY _enters from
the bar, reading a newspaper_.) So they wouldn't let you cross?

QUILLERY

No!

HARRY

Is there any news?

QUILLERY (_glaring_)

News! Not in this patriotic journal! "Unconfirmed rumors"--from Vienna,
London, Berlin, Moscow, Tokyo. And a lot of confirmed lies from Fascist
headquarters in Rome. (_He slaps the paper down and sits._) If you want
to know what is really happening, ask _him_--up there! (_Indicates the
rooms above._)

CHERRY

Who?

QUILLERY

Weber! The great Monsieur Achille Weber, of the Comit des Forges! He
can give you all the war news. Because he _made_ it. You don't know who
he is, eh? Or what he has been doing here in Italy? I'll tell you. (_He
rises and comes close to them._) He has been organizing the arms
industry. Munitions. To kill French babies. And English babies. France
and Italy are at war. England joins France. Germany joins Italy. And
that will drag in the Soviet Union and the Japanese Empire and the
United States. In every part of the world, the good desire of men for
peace and decency is undermined by the dynamite of jingoism. And it
needs only one spark, set off anywhere by one egomaniac, to send it all
up in one final, fatal explosion. Then love becomes hatred, courage
becomes terror, hope becomes despair. (_The_ DOCTOR _appears on the
gallery above_.) But--it will all be very nice for Achille Weber.
Because he is a master of the one _real_ League of Nations--(_The_
DOCTOR _slowly comes down steps._) The League of Schneider-Creusot, and
Krupp, and Skoda, and Vickers and Dupont. The League of Death! And the
workers of the world are expected to pay him for it, with their sweat,
and their life's blood.

DOCTOR

Marxian nonsense!


QUILLERY

Ah! Who speaks?

DOCTOR

_I_ speak.

QUILLERY

Yes! The eminent Dr. Hugo Waldersee. A wearer of the sacred swastika.
Down with the Communists! Off with their heads! So that the world may be
safe for the Nazi murderers.

DOCTOR

So that Germany may be safe from its oppressors! It is the same with all
of you--Englishmen, Frenchmen, Marxists--you manage to forget that
Germany, too, has a right to live! (_Rings hand-bell on the table._)

QUILLERY

If you love Germany so much, why aren't you there, now--with your rats?

DOCTOR (_sitting_)

I am not concerned with politics. (AUGUSTE _enters from the bar_.) I am
a scientist. (_To_ AUGUSTE.) Mineral water!

(AUGUSTE _bows and exits into the bar_.)

QUILLERY

That's it, Herr Doctor! A scientist--a servant of humanity! And you know
that if you were in your dear Fatherland, the Nazis would make you
abandon your cure of cancer. It might benefit too many people outside of
Germany--even maybe some Jews. They would force you to devote yourself
to breeding malignant bacteria--millions of little germs, each one
trained to give the Nazi salute and then go out and poison the enemy.
You--a fighter against disease and death--you would come a Judas goat in
a slaughter house.

(DON _has appeared during this_.)

CHERRY

I say, Quillery, old chap--do we have to have so much blood and sweat
just before dinner?

QUILLERY (_turning on him_)

Just before dinner! And now we hear the voice of England! The great,
well-fed, pious hypocrite! The grabber--the exploiter--the immaculate
butcher! It was _you_ forced this war, because miserable little Italy
dared to drag its black shirt across your trail of Empire. What do _you_
care if civilization goes to pieces--as long as you have your
dinner--and your dinner jacket!

CHERRY (_rising_)

I'm sorry, Quillery--but I think we'd better conclude this discussion
out on the terrace.

MRS. CHERRY

Don't be a damned fool, Jimmy. You'll prove nothing by thrashing him.

QUILLERY

It's the Anglo-Saxon method of proving everything! Very well--I am at
your disposal.

DON

No! I beg of you, Mr. Cherry. We mustn't have any of that sort of thing.
(_He turns to_ QUILLERY.) I must ask you to leave. If you're unable to
conduct yourself as a gentleman, then . . .

QUILLERY

Don't say any more. Evidently I cannot conduct myself properly! I offer
my apologies, Mr. Cherry.

CHERRY

That's quite all right, old man. Have a drink. (_He extends his hand.
They shake._)

QUILLERY

No, thank you. And my apologies to you, Herr Doctor.

DOCTOR

There is no need for apologizing. I am accustomed to all that.

QUILLERY

If I let my speech run away with me, it is because I have hatred for
certain things. And you should hate them, too. They are the things that
make us blind--and ignorant--and--and dirty. (_He turns and goes out
quickly._ DON _goes with him_.)

MRS. CHERRY

He's so right about everything.

CHERRY

I know, poor chap. Will you have another cocktail, darling?

MRS. CHERRY

I don't think so. Will you, Doctor? (_He shakes his head, indicates the
mineral water. She rises._) Let's dine.

CHERRY

It will be a bit difficult to summon up much relish. (_They go out, hand
in hand._)

HARRY

I find them very appealing, don't you, Doctor? (_The_ DOCTOR _doesn't
announce his findings_.) Did you know they were married only the day
before yesterday? Yeah--they got themselves sealed in Florence--because
they love Italy. And they came here hoping to spend their honeymoon on
skis. . . . Kind of pathetic, isn't it?

DOCTOR

What did you say?

HARRY

Nothing, pal. (DON _comes in_.) Only making conversation.

DOCTOR (_rising_)

That Communist! Making me a criminal because I am a German!

DON

I'm dreadfully sorry, Dr. Waldersee. We never should have allowed the
ill-bred little cad to come in here.

DOCTOR

Oh--It's no matter. I have heard too many Hymns of Hate before this. To
be a German is to be used to insults, and injuries. (_He goes out._ DON
_starts to go out left_.)

HARRY

Just a minute, Don.

DON

Well?

HARRY

Have you found out yet who that dame is?

DON

What "dame"?

HARRY

That Russian number with Weber.

DON

I have not enquired as to her identity.

HARRY

But did he register her as his wife?

DON

They registered separately! And if it's not too much to ask, might I
suggest that you mind your own damned business?

HARRY

You might suggest just that. And I should still be troubled by one of
the most tantalizing of questions--namely, "Where have I seen that face
before?" Generally, it turns out to be someone who was in the second row
one night, yawning.

DON

I'm sure that such is the case now. (_He starts again to go._)

HARRY

One moment, Don. There's something else.

DON (_impatiently_)

What is it?

HARRY

I take it that your job here is something like that of a professional
greeter.

DON

You're at liberty to call it that, if you choose.

HARRY

You're a sort of Y.M.C.A. secretary--who sees to it that all the guests
get together and have a good time.

DON

Well?

HARRY

Well--do you think you're doing a very good job of it right now?

DON (_simply furious_)

Have you any suggestions for improving the performance of my duties?

HARRY

Yes, Don--I have.

DON

And I'd very much like to know just exactly who the hell do you think
you are to be offering criticism of my work?

HARRY

Please, please! You needn't scream at me. I'm merely trying to be
helpful. I'm making you an offer.

DON

What is it?

HARRY (_looking around_)

I see you've got a color wheel here. (_Referring to the light._)

DON

We use it during the supper dance. But--if you don't mind, I----

HARRY

I see--well--how would it be if I and the girls put on part of our act
here, to-night? For purposes of wholesome merriment and relieving the
general tension?

DON

What kind of an act is it?

HARRY

And don't say, "What kind of an act," in that tone of voice. It's good
enough for this place. Those girls have played before the King of
Rumania. And if some of my suspicions are correct--but I won't pursue
that subject. All that need concern you is that we can adjust ourselves
to our audience, and to-night we'll omit the bubble dance and the number
in which little Bebe does a shimmy in a costume composed of detachable
gardenias, unless there's a special request for it.

DON

Do you expect to be paid for this?

HARRY

Certainly not. I'm making this offer out of the goodness of my heart. Of
course, if you want to make any appropriate adjustment on our hotel bill
. . .

DON

And you'll give me your guarantee that there'll be no vulgarity?

(IRENE _appears on the gallery and starts to come down. She is wearing a
dinner dress._)

HARRY

Now be careful, Don. One more word like that and the offer is withdrawn
. . .

(DON _cautions him to silence_.)

DON

It's a splendid idea, Mr. Van. We'll all greatly appreciate your little
entertainment, I'm sure. (_To_ IRENE.) Good evening, Madame.

IRENE (_with the utmost graciousness_)

Good evening, Mr. Navadel. (_She pauses at the window._) It _is_ a
lovely view. It's like a landscape on the moon.

DON

Yes--yes. That's exactly what it's like.

(_She comes down._)

HARRY

You understand, we'll have to rehearse with the orchestra.

DON

Oh, yes--Mr. Van. Our staff will be glad to co-operate in every way.
. . . Do sit down, Madame.

IRENE (_sitting_)

What became of those planes that flew off this afternoon? I haven't
heard them come back. (_Takes out a cigarette._)

DON

I imagine they were moving to some base farther from the frontier. I
hope so. They always made the most appalling racket. (_Lights her
cigarette for her._)

HARRY

About eleven o'clock?

(WEBER _appears on the gallery_.)

DON

Yes, Mr. Van. Eleven will do nicely. You'll have a cocktail, Madame?

(HARRY _goes into the lobby_.)

IRENE

No, no. Vodka, if you please.

DON

I shall have it sent right in. (_He goes off at the left into bar._
IRENE _looks slowly off, after_ HARRY. _She smiles slightly._ WEBER
_comes down the stairs quickly. He is not in evening dress. He too
pauses at the window._)

WEBER

A perfectly cloudless night! They're very lucky. (_He comes on down._)

IRENE

Did you get your call?

WEBER

Yes. I talked to Lanza.

IRENE

I gather the news is, as usual, good.

WEBER

It is extremely serious! You saw those bombers that left here this
afternoon?

IRENE

Yes.

WEBER

They were headed for Paris. Italy is evidently in a great hurry to
deliver the first blow.

IRENE

How soon may we leave here?

WEBER

None too soon, I can assure you. The French high command will know that
the bombers come from this field. There will be reprisals--probably
within the next twenty-four hours.

IRENE

That will be exciting to see.

WEBER

An air raid?

IRENE

Yes--with bombs bursting in the snow. Sending up great geysers of
diamonds.

WEBER

Or perhaps great geysers of us.

IRENE (_after a moment_)

I suppose many people in Paris are being killed now.

WEBER

I'm afraid so. Unless the Italians bungle it.

IRENE

Perhaps your sister--Madame d'Hilaire--perhaps she and her darling
little children are now dying.

WEBER (_sharply_)

My sister and her family are in Montbeliard.

IRENE

But you said the Italians might bungle it. They might drop their bombs
on the wrong place.

WEBER

I appreciate your solicitude, my dear. But you can save your condolences
until they are needed. (DUMPTSY _comes in from the bar and serves the
vodka_. WEBER _rises_.) I must telegraph to Joseph to have the house
ready. It will be rather cold in Biarritz now--but far healthier than
Paris. You are going in to dinner now?

IRENE

Yes.

WEBER

I shall join you later. (_He goes out._ DUMPTSY _picks up the_ CHERRYS'
_glasses_.)

DUMPTSY

We will have a great treat to-night, Madame.

IRENE

Really?

DUMPTSY

That American impresario, that Mr. Harry Van--he will give us an
entertainment with his dancing girls.

IRENE

Is he employed here regularly?

DUMPTSY

Oh, no, Madame. He is just passing, like you. This is a special treat.
It will be very fine.

IRENE

Let us hope so. (_She downs the vodka._)

DUMPTSY

Madame is Russian, if I may say so.

IRENE (_pleased_)

How did you know that I am Russian? Just because I am having vodka?

DUMPTSY

No, Madame. Many people try to drink vodka. But only true Russians can
do it gracefully. You see--I was a prisoner with your people in the war.
I liked them.

IRENE

You're very charming. What is your name?

DUMPTSY

I am called Dumptsy, Madame.

IRENE

Are you going again to the war, Dumptsy?

DUMPTSY

If they tell me to, Madame.

IRENE

You will enjoy being a soldier?

DUMPTSY

Yes--if I'm taken prisoner soon enough.

IRENE

And who do you think will win?

DUMPTSY

I can't think, Madame. It is all very doubtful. But one thing I can tell
you: whoever wins, it will be the same as last time--Austria will lose.

IRENE

They will all lose, Dumptsy. (_The_ CHERRYS _come in. She greets them
pleasantly._) Good evening.

CHERRY

Good evening, Madame.

(_The_ CHERRYS _start to sit, across from_ IRENE.)

IRENE

Bring some more vodka, Dumptsy. Perhaps Mr. and Mrs. Cherry will have
some, too.

CHERRY

Why, thank you--we . . .

MRS. CHERRY

I'd love to. I've never tasted vodka.

IRENE

Ah--then it's high time. Bring in the bottle, Dumptsy.

DUMPTSY

Yes, Madame. (_He goes in to the bar._)

IRENE

Come, sit down here. (_The_ CHERRYS _sit by her_.) You will find vodka a
perfect stimulant to the appetite. So much better than that hybrid
atrocity, the American cocktail!

CHERRY

To tell you the truth, Madame--we've already dined.

IRENE

It is no matter. It is just as good as a liqueur.

MRS. CHERRY

We didn't really dine at all. We merely looked at the minestrone and the
Parmesan cheese--and we felt too depressed to eat anything.

IRENE

It's the altitude. After the first exhilaration there comes a depressive
reaction, especially for you, who are accustomed to the heavy,
Pigwiggian atmosphere of England.

CHERRY

Pigwiggian?

IRENE

Yes, Pigwig--Oliver Twist--you know, your Dickens?

(DUMPTSY _enters from bar with a bottle of vodka and two more glasses,
which he places on the table. He returns to the bar._)

CHERRY

You know England, Madame?

IRENE (_fondly_)

Of course I know England! My governess was a sweet old ogre from your
north country--and when I was a little girl I used to visit often at
Sandringham.

CHERRY (_impressed_)

Sandringham?

MRS. CHERRY

The palace?

IRENE

Yes. That was before your time. It was in the reign of dear, gay King
Edward, and the beautiful Alexandra. (_She sighs a little for those
days._) I used to have such fun playing with my cousin David. He used to
try to teach me to play cricket, and when I couldn't swing the bat
properly, he said, "Oh, you Russians will never be civilized!"
(_Laughs._) When I went home to Petersburg I told my uncle, the Tsar,
what David had said, and he was so amused! But now--you must drink your
vodka. (_They rise, and lift their glasses._) A toast! To his most
gracious Majesty the King. (_They clink glasses._) God bless him.

CHERRY

Thank you, Madame.

(_All three drink and_ MRS. CHERRY _coughs violently_.)

IRENE (_to_ MRS. CHERRY)

No--no! Drink it right down. Like this. (_She swallows it in a gulp._)
So! (_Refills the glasses from the bottle._) The second glass will go
more easily. (_They sit._) I used to laugh so at your funny British
Tommies in Archangel. They all hated vodka until one of them thought of
mixing it with beer.

MRS. CHERRY

How loathsome!

IRENE

It was! But I shall be forever grateful to them--those Tommies. They
saved my life when I escaped from the Soviets. For days and nights--I
don't know how many--I was driving through the snow--snow--snow--snow--,
in a little sleigh, with the body of my father beside me, and the wolves
running along like an escort of dragoons. You know--you always think of
wolves as howling constantly, don't you?

CHERRY

Why, yes--I suppose one does.

IRENE

Well, they don't. No, these wolves didn't howl! They were horribly,
confidently silent. I think silence is much more terrifying, don't you?

CHERRY

You must have been dreadfully afraid.

IRENE

No, I was not afraid for myself. It was the thought of my father. . . .

MRS. CHERRY

Please! I know you don't want to talk about it any more.

IRENE

Oh, no--it is so far away now. But I shall never forget the moment when
I came through the haze of delirium, and saw the faces of those Tommies.
Those simple, friendly faces. And the snow--and the wolves--and the
terrible cold--they were all gone--and I was looking at Kew Gardens on a
Sunday afternoon, and the sea of golden daffodils--"fluttering and
dancing in the breezes."

(WEBER _has come in with the daffodils_.)

WEBER

Shall we go in to dinner now, Irene?

IRENE

Yes, yes, Achille. In a minute. I am coming. (WEBER _goes_. IRENE
_rises_.) Now--we must finish our vodka. (CHERRY _rises_.) And you must
make another try to eat something.

CHERRY

Thank you so much, Madame. (_They drink._)

IRENE

And later on, we must all be here for Mr. Van's entertainment--and we
must all applaud vigorously.

MRS. CHERRY

We shall, Madame.

CHERRY

He's such a nice chap, isn't he?

IRENE (_going_)

Yes--and a real artist, too.

CHERRY

Oh--you've seen him?

IRENE

Why--yes--I've seen him, in some caf chantant, somewhere. I forget just
where it was. (_The three of them have gone out together. The light is
dimmed to extinction. The curtain falls._)

END OF SCENE ONE


SCENE II

_About two hours later._

WEBER _is drinking brandy. The_ CAPTAIN _is standing_.


CAPTAIN

I have been listening to the radio. Utter bedlam! Of course, every
government has imposed the strictest censorship--but it is very
frightening--like one of those films where ghostly hands suddenly reach
in and switch off all the lights.

WEBER

Any suggestions of air raids?

CAPTAIN

None. But there is ominous quiet from Paris. Think of it--Paris--utterly
silent! Only one station there is sending messages, and they are in
code.

WEBER

Probably instructions to the frontier.

CAPTAIN

I heard a man in Prague saying something that sounded interesting, but
him I could not understand. Then I turned to London, hopefully, and
listened to a gentleman describing the disastrous effects of ivy upon
that traditional institution, the oak.

WEBER

Well--we shall soon know. . . . There'll be no trouble about crossing
the frontier to-morrow?

CAPTAIN

Oh, no. Except that I am still a little worried about madame's passport.

WEBER

We'll arrange about that. Have a cigar, Captain?

CAPTAIN

Thank you.

(IRENE _comes in as the_ CAPTAIN _starts to light the cigar_.)

IRENE

Do you hear the sound of airplanes?

(_All stop to listen, intently. The sound becomes audible. The_ CAPTAIN
_shakes out the match, throws the unlit cigar on the table, and dashes
to the window and looks upward_.)

CAPTAIN

It is our bombers. One--two--three. Seven of them. Seven out of
eighteen. You will excuse me? (_He salutes and dashes out._)

WEBER

Seven out of eighteen! Not bad, for Italians.

(IRENE _has gone to the window to look out_.)

IRENE

I'm so happy for you, Achille.

WEBER

What was that, my dear?

IRENE

I said--I'm so happy for you.

WEBER

But--just why am I an object of congratulation?

IRENE

All this great, wonderful death and destruction, everywhere. And you
promoted it!

WEBER

Don't give me too much credit, Irene.

IRENE

But I _know_ what you've done.

WEBER

Yes, my dear. You know a great deal. But don't forget to do honor to
Him--up there--who put fear into man. I am but the humble instrument of
His divine will.

IRENE (_looking upward, sympathetically_)

Yes--that's quite true. We don't do half enough justice to Him. Poor,
lonely old soul. Sitting up in heaven, with nothing to do, but play
solitaire. Poor, dear God. Playing Idiot's Delight. The game that never
means anything, and never ends.

WEBER

You have an engaging fancy, my dear.

IRENE

Yes.

WEBER

It's the quality in you that fascinates me most. Limitless imagination!
It is what has made you such an admirable, brilliant liar. And so very
helpful to me! Am I right?

IRENE

Of course you are right, Achille. Had I been bound by any stuffy respect
for the truth, I should never have escaped from the Soviets.

WEBER

I'm sure of it.

IRENE

Did I ever tell you of my escape from the Soviets?

WEBER

You have told me about it at least eleven times. And each time it was
different.

IRENE

Well, I made several escapes. I am always making escapes, Achille. When
I am worrying about you, and your career. I have to run away from the
terror of my own thoughts. So I amuse myself by studying the faces of
the people I see. Just ordinary, casual, dull people. (_She is speaking
in a tone that is sweetly sadistic._) That young English couple, for
instance. I was watching them during dinner, sitting there, close
together, holding hands, and rubbing their knees together under the
table. And I saw him in his nice, smart, British uniform, shooting a
little pistol at a huge tank. And the tank rolls over him. And his fine
strong body, that was so full of the capacity for ecstasy, is a mass of
mashed flesh and bones--a smear of purple blood--like a stepped-on
snail. But before the moment of death, he consoles himself by thinking,
"Thank God _she_ is safe! She is bearing the child I gave her, and he
will live to see a better world." (_She walks behind_ WEBER _and leans
over his shoulder_.) But I know where she is. She is lying in a cellar
that has been wrecked by an air raid, and her firm young breasts are all
mixed up with the bowels of a dismembered policeman, and the embryo from
her womb is splattered against the face of a dead bishop. That is the
kind of thought with which I amuse myself, Achille. And it makes me so
proud to think that I am so close to you--who make all this possible.

(WEBER _rises and walks about the room. At length he turns to her._)

WEBER

Do you talk in this whimsical vein to many people?

IRENE

No. I betray my thoughts to no one but you. You know that I am shut off
from the world. I am a contented prisoner in your ivory tower.

WEBER

I'm beginning to wonder about that.

IRENE

What? You think I could interest myself in some one else----?

WEBER

No--no, my dear. I am merely wondering whether the time has come for you
to turn commonplace, like all the others?

IRENE

The others?

WEBER

All those who have shared my life. My former wife, for instance. She now
boasts that she abandoned me because part of my income is derived from
the sale of poison gas. Revolvers and rifles and bullets she didn't
mind--because they are also used by sportsmen. Battleships too are
permissible; they look so splendid in the news films. But she couldn't
stomach poison gas. So now she is married to an anemic Duke, and the
large fortune that she obtained from me enables the Duke to indulge his
principal passion, which is the slaughtering of wild animals, like
rabbits, and pigeons and rather small deer. My wife is presumably happy
with him. I have always been glad you are not a fool as she was, Irene.

IRENE

No. I don't care even for battleships. And I shall not marry an anemic
Duke.

WEBER

But--there was something unpleasantly reminiscent in that gaudy picture
you painted. I gather that this silly young couple has touched a tender
spot, eh?

IRENE

Perhaps, Achille. Perhaps I am softening.

WEBER

Then apply your intelligence, my dear. Ask yourself: why shouldn't they
die? And who are the greater criminals--those who sell the instruments
of death, or those who buy them, and use them? You know there is no
logical reply to that. But all these little people--like your new
friends--all of them consider me an arch-villain because I furnish them
with what they want, which is the illusion of power. That is what they
vote for in their frightened governments--what they cheer for on their
national holidays--what they glorify in their anthems, and their
monuments, and their waving flags! Yes--they shout bravely about
something they call "national honor." And what does it amount to?
Mistrust of the motives of every one else! Dog in the manger defense of
what they've got, and greed for the other fellow's possessions! Honor
among thieves! I assure you, Irene--for such little people the deadliest
weapons are the most merciful.

(_The_ CHERRYS _enter. He is whistling_ "Minnie the Moocher.")

IRENE

Ah! Mr. and Mrs. Cherry!

CHERRY

Hello there. (_They come down._)

IRENE

You have dined well!

MRS. CHERRY

Superbly!

CHERRY

We ate everything--up to and including the zabaglione.

IRENE

You can thank the vodka for that. Vodka never fails in an emergency.

CHERRY

And we can thank you, Madame, and do so.

IRENE

But--permit me to introduce Monsieur Weber. (WEBER _rises_.) Mrs.
Cherry--Mr. Cherry.

(_They are exchanging greetings as_ DON _comes in_.)

DON

We're going to have a little cabaret show for you now, Madame.

WEBER

I don't think I shall wait for it, my dear.

IRENE

But you must----

WEBER

I really should look over Lanza's estimates----

IRENE

Please, Achille--Mr. Van is an artist. You will be so amused.

WEBER (_resuming seat_)

Very well, Irene.

DON (_his tone blandly confidential_)

Between ourselves, I don't vouch for the quality of it. But it may be
unintentionally amusing.

IRENE

I shall love it.

CHERRY

This is the most marvellous idea, Mr. Navadel.

DON

Oh, thank you. We try to contrive some novelty each evening. If you'll
be good enough to sit here----

(DON _goes up to usher in the_ ROSSIS _and direct them to their seats.

The musicians come in and take their places. The_ DOCTOR _comes in_.
DUMPTSY _is busily moving chairs about, clearing a space for the act_.
IRENE _and the_ CHERRYS _chat pleasantly_. ANNA, _the maid, appears on
the gallery above to watch the entertainment_.)

(HARRY _comes in. He is wearing a tight-fitting dinner jacket, and
carries a cane and a straw hat._)

HARRY

All set, Don?

DON

Quite ready, whenever you are.

HARRY

Okey-doke. Give us a fanfare, professor. (_He goes out. The band obliges
with a fanfare._ HARRY _returns, all smiles_.) Before we start, folks, I
just want to explain that we haven't had much chance to rehearse with my
good friend, Signor Palota, and his talented little team here. (_He
indicates the orchestra with a handsome gesture._) So we must crave your
indulgence and beg you to give us a break if the rhythm isn't all
strictly kosher. (_He waits for his laugh_.) All we ask of you, kind
friends, is "The Christian pearl of Charity," to quote our great
American poet, John Greenleaf Whittier. We thank you. Take it away! (_He
bows. All applaud. He then sings a song--The girls come on in costume
and dance._)

(_During the latter part of the act, the_ CAPTAIN, _the_ MAJOR, _and
four flying corps_ OFFICERS _come in. The latter are dirty and in a
fever of heroically restrained excitement. They survey the scene with
wonderment and then with delight, saying, in Italian, "What's all this?"
and "What brought these blonde bambinos to Monte Gabriele?" etc._ HARRY
_interrupts the act and orders the orchestra to play the Fascist
anthem_, "Giovinezza." _The officers acknowledge this graceful gesture
with the Fascist salute. The_ GIRLS _wave back. The_ CAPTAIN _gets the_
OFFICERS _seated and then goes to order drinks_. HARRY _and the_ GIRLS
_resume_.)

(_At the end of the act, all applaud and the_ OFFICERS _shout
"Brava--Bravissima" and stamp their feet with enthusiasm. The_ GIRLS
_take several bows and go_. HARRY _returns for a solo bow, waving his
straw hat. One of the_ OFFICERS _shouts, in Italian, "We want the young
ladies!"_)

CAPTAIN (_to_ HARRY)

My friends wish to know respectfully if the young ladies will care to
join them in a little drink?

HARRY

Certainly! Come back in, girls. Get over there and join the army! (_The_
GIRLS _do so_.) Now, folks--with your kind permission--I shall give the
girls an interlude of rest and refreshment and treat you to a little
piano specialty of my own. Your strict attention is not obligatory.

(_He starts his specialty, assisted by_ SHIRLEY _and_ EDNA. _The_
OFFICERS _don't pay much attention. Bottles of champagne are brought for
them and the_ GIRLS.)

(WEBER _goes and speaks to the_ CAPTAIN. _He beckons him up to the
landing of the stairs where they converse in low tones, the_ CAPTAIN
_telling him about the air-raid_.)

(HARRY'S _act is interrupted by the entrance of_ QUILLERY.)

QUILLERY (_to_ HARRY)

Do you know what has happened?

DON

I told you we didn't want you here.

PITTALUGA

We're having an entertainment here.

QUILLERY

Yes! An entertainment!

HARRY

If you'll just sit down, pal. . . . (_He and the_ GIRLS _continue with
their singing_.)

QUILLERY

An entertainment--while Paris is in ruins!

CHERRY (_rises_)

What?

DOCTOR

What are you saying?

QUILLERY

They have bombed Paris! The Fascisti have bombed Paris!

DON

What? But it can't be possible----

HARRY

Go on, Shirley. Keep on singing.

QUILLERY

I tell you--to-night their planes flew over and----

CHERRY

But how do you know this?

QUILLERY

It is on the wireless--everywhere. And I have just talked to one of
their mechanics, who was on the flight, and saw, with his own eyes----

HARRY

Won't you please sit down, pal? We're trying to give you a little
entertainment--(_Stops playing._)

QUILLERY

For the love of God--listen to me! While you sit here eating and
drinking, to-night, Italian planes dropped twenty thousand kilos of
bombs on Paris. God knows how many they killed. God knows how much of
life and beauty is forever destroyed! And you sit here, drinking,
laughing, with _them_--the murderers. (_Points to the flyers, who ask
each other, in Italian, what the hell is he talking about._) They did
it! It was their planes, from that field down there. Assassins!

(_The_ OFFICERS _make a move toward_ QUILLERY--_one of them arming
himself with a champagne bottle_.)

HARRY (_comes down from the piano_)

We can't have any skull-cracking in this club. Hey, Captain, speak to
your men before anything starts.

(_The_ CAPTAIN _comes down to the_ OFFICERS _and pacifies them_. CHERRY
_comes down to stand by_ QUILLERY.)

MRS. CHERRY

Jimmy! . . . You keep out of this!

QUILLERY

I say, God damn you! Assassins!

MAJOR AND FIRST AND THIRD OFFICERS

(_jump up_)

Assassini!

HARRY

Now listen, pal. . . .

SHIRLEY

Harry! Don't get yourself mixed up in this mess!

QUILLERY

You see, we stand together! France--England--America! Allies!

HARRY

Shut up, France! It's O. K., Captain. We can handle this----

QUILLERY

They don't dare fight against the power of England and France! The free
democracies against the Fascist tyranny!

HARRY

Now, for God's sake stop fluctuating!

QUILLERY

England and France are fighting for the hopes of mankind!

HARRY

A minute ago, England was a butcher in a dress suit. Now we're Allies!

QUILLERY

We stand together. We stand together forever. (_Turns to_ OFFICERS.) I
say God damn you. God damn the villains that sent you on this errand of
death.

CAPTAIN (_takes a few steps toward_ QUILLERY)

If you don't close your mouth, Frenchman, we shall be forced to arrest
you.

QUILLERY

Go on, Fascisti! Commit national suicide. That's the last gesture left
to you toy soldiers.

HARRY

It's all right, Captain. Mr. Quillery is for peace. He's going back to
France to stop the war.

QUILLERY (_turns on_ HARRY)

You're not authorized to speak for me. I am competent to say what I
feel. And what I say is "Down with Fascism! Abbasso Fascismo!"

(_There is an uproar from the_ OFFICERS.)

CAPTAIN (_ordinarily gentle, is now white hot with rage_)

Attenzione!

QUILLERY

Vive la France! Viv----

CAPTAIN

E agli arresti.

QUILLERY

Call out the firing squad! Shoot me dead! But do not think you can
silence the truth that's in me.

CAPTAIN (_grabs_ QUILLERY _from the left and calls the_ FIRST OFFICER)

Molinari!

(FIRST OFFICER _grabs_ QUILLERY _from the right. They start to take him
out._)

QUILLERY (_as he is being led out_)

The Empire of the Fascisti will join the Empire of the Csars in smoking
ruins. Vive la France! Vive la France!

(WEBER _goes upstairs and exits. They have gone._)

CHERRY (_to_ HARRY)

You'd better carry on with your turn, old boy.

HARRY

No, pal. The act is cold. (_To the orchestra leader._) Give us some
music, Signor. (_The orchestra starts playing._) Let dancing become
general.

CHERRY

Let's dance, my sweet.

MRS. CHERRY

I can't bear to, Jimmy.

CHERRY

I think we should.

MRS. CHERRY

Very well, darling. (_They dance. The_ OFFICERS _dance with the_ GIRLS.)

HARRY (_goes over to_ IRENE)

Would you care to dance?

IRENE

Why--why, thank you. (_She stands up, and they join the slowly moving
mob._ SHIRLEY _is singing as loud as she can. The color wheel turns so
that the dancers are bathed in blue, then amber, then red._)


CURTAIN

END OF SCENE TWO


SCENE III

_Later that night._

IRENE _and_ HARRY _are alone. She is sitting, telling the story of her
life. He is listening with fascination and doubt._


IRENE

My father was old. The hardships of that terrible journey had broken his
body. But his spirit was strong--the spirit that is Russia. He lay
there, in that little boat, and he looked up at me. Never can I forget
his face, so thin, so white, so beautiful, in the starlight. And he said
to me, "Irene--little daughter," and then--he died. For four days I was
alone, with his body, sailing through the storms of the Black Sea. I had
no food--no water--I was in agony from the bayonet wounds of the
Bolsheviki. I knew I must die. But then--an American cruiser rescued me.
May God bless those good men! (_She sighs._) I've talked too much about
myself. What about you, my friend?

HARRY

Oh--I'm not very interesting. I'm just what I seem to be.

IRENE

C'est impossible!

HARRY

C'est possible! The facts of my case are eloquent. I'm a potential
genius--reduced to piloting six blondes through the Balkans.

IRENE

But there is something that you hide from the world--even, I suspect,
from yourself. Where did you acquire your superior education?

HARRY

I worked my way through college selling encyclopdias.

IRENE

I knew you had culture! What college was it?

HARRY

Oh--just any college. But my sales talk was so good that I fell for it
myself. I bought the God-damned encyclopdia. And I read it all,
travelling around, in day coaches, and depot hotels, and Fox-time
dressing rooms. It was worth the money.

IRENE

And how much of all this have you retained?

HARRY (_significantly_)

I? I--never forget anything.

IRENE

How unfortunate for you! Does your encyclopdia help you in your
dealings with the girls?

HARRY

Yes, Mrs. Weber. . . . I got considerable benefit from studying the
lives of the great courtesans, and getting to understand their
technique. . . .

IRENE

Forgive me for interrupting you--but that is not my name.

HARRY

Oh--pardon me, I thought . . .

IRENE

I know what you thought. Monsieur Weber and I are associated in a sort
of business way.

HARRY

I see.

IRENE

He does me the honor to consult me in matters of policy.

HARRY

That's quite an honor! Business is pretty good, isn't it!

IRENE

I gather that you are one of those noble souls who does not entirely
approve of the munitions industry?

HARRY

Oh, no--I'm not noble. Your friend is just another salesman. And I make
it a point never to criticize anybody else's racket.

IRENE

Monsieur Weber is a very distinguished man. He has rendered very
distinguished services to all the governments of the world. He is
decorated with the Legion of Honor, the Order of the White Eagle, the
Order of St. James of the Sword, and the Military Order of Christ!

HARRY

The Military Order of Christ. I never heard of that one.

IRENE

It is from Portugal. He has many orders.

HARRY

Have you ever been in America?

IRENE

Oh, yes--I've seen it all--New York, Washington, Palm Beach . . .

HARRY

I said America. Have you ever been in the West?

IRENE

Certainly I have. I flew across your continent. There are many White
Russians in California.

HARRY

Did you ever happen to make any parachute landings in any places like
Kansas, or Iowa, or Nebraska?

IRENE (_laughing_)

I have seen enough of your countrymen to know that you are typical.

HARRY

Me? I'm not typical of anything.

IRENE

Oh, yes, you are. You are just like all of them--an ingenuous,
sentimental idealist. You believe in the goodness of human nature, don't
you?

HARRY

And what if I do? I've known millions of people, intimately--and I never
found more than one out of a hundred that I didn't like, once you got to
know them.

IRENE

That is very charming--but it _is_ nave.

HARRY

Maybe so. But experience prevents me from working up much enthusiasm
over any one who considers the human race as just so many clay pigeons,
even if he does belong to the Military Order of Christ.

IRENE

If you came from an older culture, you would realize that men like
Monsieur Weber are necessary to civilization.

HARRY

You don't say.

IRENE

I mean, of course, the sort of civilization that we have got. (_She
smiles upon him benevolently. It is as though she were explaining
patiently but with secret enjoyment the facts of life to a backward
nephew._) Stupid people consider him an arch-villain because it is his
duty to stir up a little trouble here and there to stimulate the sale of
his products. Do you understand me, my friend?

HARRY

I shouldn't wonder.

IRENE

Monsieur Weber is a true man of the world. He is above petty
nationalism; he can be a Frenchman in France--a German in Germany--a
Greek--a Turk--whatever the occasion demands.

HARRY

Yes--that little Quillery was an Internationalist, too. He believed in
brotherhood, but the moment he got a whiff of gunpowder he began to
spout hate and revenge. And now those nice, polite Wops will probably
have to shut him up with a firing squad.

IRENE (_takes out a cigarette from her case_)

It is a painful necessity.

HARRY

And it demonstrates the sort of little trouble that your friend stirs
up. (_He takes out his lighter and lights her cigarette._)

IRENE

Do you know that you can be extremely rude?

HARRY

I'm sorry if I've hurt your feelings about Mr. Weber, but he just
happens to be a specimen of the one per cent that I _don't_ like.

IRENE

I was not referring to that. Why do you stare at me so?

HARRY

Have I been staring?

IRENE

Steadily. Ever since we arrived here this afternoon. Why do you do it?

HARRY

I've been thinking I could notice a funny resemblance to some one I used
to know.

IRENE

You should know better than to tell any woman that she resembles
somebody else. We none of us like to think that our appearance is
commonplace.

HARRY

The one you look like wasn't commonplace.

IRENE

Oh! She was some one near and dear to you?

HARRY

It was somebody that occupies a unique shrine in the temple of my
memory.

IRENE

That _is_ a glowing tribute. The Temple of your memory must be so
crowded! But I am keeping you from your duties.

HARRY

What duties?

IRENE

Shouldn't you be worrying about your young ladies?

HARRY

They're all right; they've gone to bed.

IRENE

Yes--but there are several Italian officers about. Aren't you supposed
to be the chaperone?

HARRY

I leave the girls to their own resources, of which they have plenty.
(_He stares hard at her._) Have you always been a blonde?

IRENE

Yes--as far as I can remember.

HARRY

You don't mind my asking?

IRENE

Not at all. And now, may I ask you something?

HARRY

Please do so.

IRENE

Why do you waste yourself in this degraded work? Touring about with
those obvious little harlots?

HARRY

You mean you think I'm fitted for something that requires a little more
mentality?

IRENE

Yes.

HARRY

How do you know so much about me?

(_It should be remembered that all through this scene_ HARRY _is
studying her, trying to fit together the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle of
his memory_.)

IRENE

For one thing, I saw your performance to-night.

HARRY

You thought it was punk?

IRENE

I thought it was unworthy.

HARRY

It was unfortunately interrupted. You should have seen . . .

IRENE

I saw enough. You are a very bad dancer.

HARRY

The King of Rumania thought I was pretty good.

IRENE

He is entitled to his opinion--and I to mine.

HARRY

I'll admit that I've done better things in my time. Would it surprise
you to know that I was once with a mind-reading act?

IRENE

Really?

HARRY

Yeah.

IRENE

Now you're staring at me again.

HARRY

Have you ever been in Omaha?

IRENE

Omaha? Where is that? Persia?

HARRY

No. Nebraska. That's one of our states. I played there once with the
greatest act of my career. I was a stooge for Zuleika, the Mind Reader.
At least she called me her stooge. But I was the one who had to do all
the brain work.

IRENE

And she read people's minds?

HARRY

I did it for her. I passed through the audience and fed her the cues. We
were sensational, playing the finest picture houses in all the key
cities. Zuleika sat up on the stage, blindfolded--and usually blind
drunk.

IRENE

Oh, dear. And was _she_ the one that I resemble?

HARRY

No! There was another act on the same bill. A troupe of Russians . . .

IRENE

Russians?

HARRY

Singers, mandolin players, and squat dancers. One of them was a
red-headed girl. She was fascinated by our act, and she kept pestering
me to teach her the code. She said she could do it better than Zuleika.

IRENE

Those poor Russians. There are so many of them all over the world. And
so many of them completely counterfeit!

HARRY

This dame was counterfeit all right. In fact, she was the God-damnedest
liar I ever saw. She lied just for the sheer artistry of it. She kept
after me so much that I told her finally to come up to my hotel room one
night, and we'd talk it over.

IRENE

I hope you didn't tell her the code.

HARRY

No. After the week in Omaha the bill split. The Russians went to Sioux
Falls and we went on the Interstate Time. I played with Zuleika for
another year and then the drink got her and she couldn't retain. So the
act busted up. I've always hoped I'd catch up with that red-headed
Russian again sometime. She might have been good. She had the voice for
it, and a kind of overtone of mystery.

IRENE

It's a characteristic Gypsy quality. And you never saw her again?

HARRY

No.

IRENE

Perhaps it is just as well. She couldn't have been so clever--being
duped so easily into going to your room.

HARRY

She wasn't being duped! She knew what she was doing. If there was any
duping going on, she was the one that did it.

IRENE

She _did_ make an impression!

HARRY (_looking straight at her_)

I was crazy about her. She was womanhood at its most desirable--and most
unreliable.

IRENE

And you such a connoisseur. But--it's getting late.

HARRY (_rises_)

Do you know any Russian music? (_He crosses to the piano._)

IRENE (_rises_)

Oh, yes. When I was a little girl my father used to engage Chaliapin to
come often to our house. He taught me many songs.

HARRY

Chaliapin, eh? Your father spared no expense. (_He sits at the piano._)

IRENE

That was in _old_ Russia. (_He plays a few bars of_ "Kak Stranna.") Kak
Stranna!

HARRY

Yeah! How strange! (_He starts to play_ "Prostchai.") Do you know this
one? (IRENE _sings some of it in Russian_.) How do you spell that
name--Irene?

IRENE

I-R-E-N-E. (HARRY _pounds the piano and jumps up_.) What's the matter?

HARRY

That's it! Irene! (_He pronounces it_ I-REEN.)

IRENE

But what----?

HARRY

I knew it! You're the one!

IRENE

What one?

HARRY

That red-headed liar! Irene! I knew I could never be mistaken. . . .

IRENE

Irene is a very usual name in Russia. (_She laughs heartily._)

HARRY

I don't care how usual it is. Everything fits together perfectly now.
The name--the face--the voice--Chaliapin for a teacher! Certainly it's
you! And it's no good shaking your head and looking amazed! No matter
how much you may lie, you can't deny the fact that you slept with me in
the Governor Bryan Hotel in Omaha in the fall of 1925. (IRENE _laughs
heartily again_.) All right--go ahead and laugh. That blonde hair had me
fooled for a while--but now I know it's just as phoney as the bayonet
wounds, and the parachute jumps into the jungle. . . .

IRENE (_still laughing_)

Oh--you amuse me.

HARRY

It's a pleasure to be entertaining. But you can't get away with it.

IRENE

You amuse me very much indeed. Here we are--on a mountain peak in
Bedlam. To-night, the Italians are bombing Paris. At this moment, the
French may be bombing Rome, and the English bombing Germany--and the
Soviets bombing Tokyo, and all you worry about is whether I am a girl
you once met casually in Omaha.

HARRY

Did I say it was casual?

IRENE (_laughing_)

Oh--it _is_ amusing!

HARRY (_angrily_)

I know you're amused. I admit it's all very funny. I've admitted
everything. I told you I was crazy about you. Now when are you going to
give me a break and tell me----

IRENE

You! You are so troubled--so--so uncertain about everything.

HARRY

I'm not uncertain about it any more, Babe. I had you tagged from the
start. There was something about you that was indelible . . . something
I couldn't forget all these years.

(WEBER _appears on the gallery, wearing his Sulka dressing gown_.)

WEBER

Forgive me for intruding, my dear. But I suggest that it's time for you
to go to bed.

IRENE

Yes, Achille. At once. (WEBER _treats_ HARRY _to a rather disparaging
glance and exits_. IRENE _starts upstairs_.) Poor Achille! He suffers
with the most dreadful insomnia--it is something on his mind. (_She goes
up a few more steps._) He is like Macbeth. Good night, my friend--my
funny friend.

HARRY

Good night.

IRENE

And thank you for making me laugh so much--to-night.

HARRY

I could still teach you that code.

IRENE

Perhaps--we shall meet again in--what was the name of the hotel?

HARRY

It was the Governor Bryan.

IRENE

Oh, yes! The Governor Bryan! (_Laughing heartily, she exits._ HARRY
_goes to the piano, sits down and starts to play_ "Kak Stranna." DUMPTSY
_enters from the bar_.)

DUMPTSY

That was wonderful--that singing and dancing.

HARRY (_still playing_)

Thanks, pal. Glad you enjoyed it.

DUMPTSY

Oh, yes, Mr. Van--that was good.

HARRY (_bangs a chord_)

Chaliapin--for God's _sake_!

DUMPTSY

I beg your pardon, sir?

HARRY (_rises_)

It's nothing. Good night, Dumptsy. (_He goes out into the lobby._)

DUMPTSY

Good night, sir. (_He starts for the bar._)


CURTAIN




ACT III


_The following afternoon._

HARRY _is at the piano, idly playing the_ "Caprice Viennoise," _or
something similar. His thoughts are elsewhere._

SHIRLEY _is darning some stockings and humming the tune_. BEBE _is
plucking her eyebrows_.

BEULAH, ELAINE, FRANCINE _and_ EDNA _are seated at a table_. BEULAH _is
telling_ ELAINE'S _fortune with cards. The others are watching. All are
intensely serious, and all chewing gum._


SHIRLEY

What's that number, Harry?

HARRY

The "Caprice Viennoise"--Kreisler.

SHIRLEY

It's pretty.

HARRY

You think so? (_He shifts to something jazzier._)

BEULAH

You are going to marry.

ELAINE

Again?

BEULAH

The cards indicate dis_tinctly_ two marriages, and maybe a third.

ELAINE (_chewing furiously_)

For _God's_ sake!

SHIRLEY (_to_ HARRY)

We certainly need some new stockings.

HARRY

We'll renovate the wardrobe in Geneva.

BEULAH

Now--let's see what the fates tell us next.

BEBE

Say, Harry--when do we lam it out of here?

HARRY

Ask Beulah. Maybe she can get it out of the cards.

BEBE

I hate this place. It's spooky.

BEULAH (_to_ HARRY)

What'd you say, honey?

ELAINE

Ah--don't pay any attention to him. What else do they say about me?

BEULAH

Well . . . you'll enter upon a period of very poor health.

ELAINE

When?

BEULAH

Along about your thirty-seventh year.

SHIRLEY

That means any day now. (_She winks broadly at_ BEBE, _who laughs_.)

HARRY (_vehemently_)

Listen to me, you nymphs! We can't be wasting our time with card tricks.
We've got to do a little rehearsing.

SHIRLEY

Why, Harry--what are you mad about now?

HARRY

Who said I was mad about anything?

SHIRLEY

Well--every time you get yourself into a peeve, you take it out on us.
You start in hollering, "Listen, girls--we got to rehearse."

HARRY

I am not peeved. Merely a little disgusted. The act needs brushing up.

BEBE

Honestly, Harry--don't you think we know the routine by now?

HARRY

I'm not saying you don't know it. I'm just saying that your performance
last night grieved me and shocked me. You had your eyes on those
officers and not on your work. That kind of attitude went big in
Rumania, but now we're going to a town where artistry counts. Some day,
I'll take the whole bunch of you to watch the Russian ballet, just to
give you an idea of what dancing is.

(CAPTAIN LOCICERO _comes in_.)

CAPTAIN

Your pardon, Mr. Van.

HARRY

Ah, Captain. Good afternoon. . . . Rest, girls.

CAPTAIN (_to the_ GIRLS)

Good afternoon.

GIRLS

Good afternoon, Captain.

HARRY

You bring us news?

CAPTAIN

Good news, I hope. May I have your passports?

HARRY

Certainly. (_He gets them out of his coat and hands them to the_
CAPTAIN.)

CAPTAIN

Thank you. I hope to have definite word for you very shortly. (_He
salutes and starts to go._)

HARRY

What about Mr. Quillery, Captain? What's happened to him?

CAPTAIN

Mr. Quillery was very injudicious. Very injudicious. I am glad that you
are so much more intelligent. (_He goes out._)

SHIRLEY

I don't think they could have done anything cruel to him. They're
awfully sweet boys, those Wops.

HARRY

So I observed. . . . Now listen to me, girls. Geneva's a key spot, and
we've got to be good. Your audiences there won't be a lot of hunkies,
who don't care what you do as long as you don't wear practically any
pants. These people are accustomed to the best. They're mains--big
people, like prime ministers, and maharajahs and archbishops. If we
click with them, we'll be set for London and Paris. We may even make
enough money to get us home.

BEBE

Oh--don't speak of such a thing! Home!

EDNA

To get a real decent henna wash again!

HARRY

The trouble with all of you is, you're thinking too much about your own
specialties. You're trying to steal the act, and wreck it. Remember what
the late Knute Rockne said: "Somebody else can have the all-star,
all-American aggregations. All _I_ want is a team!" Now, you--Beulah.
You've got plenty of chance to score individually in the bubble number.
But when we're doing the chorus routine, you've got to submerge your
genius in the mass.

BEULAH

What do I do wrong, honey?

HARRY

Your Maxie Ford is lacklustre. Here--I'll show you. . . . (HARRY _gets
up to demonstrate the Maxie Ford_.)

SHIRLEY (_laughs_)

If you do it that way, Beulah, you'll go flat on your face. Here--_I'll_
show you.

HARRY

Just a minute, Miss Laughlin. Who's the director of this act, you or me?


SHIRLEY (_amiably_)

You are, you old poop. But you just don't know the steps.

ELAINE

Don't let her get fresh, Harry.

BEBE

Slap her down!

SHIRLEY

Give us the music, Harry.

BEULAH

Please, Harry. Shirley just wants to be helpful.

HARRY

I feel I should resent this--but--(_He returns to the piano._) Go ahead,
Miss Laughlin. Carry on. (_He plays._ SHIRLEY _demonstrates_. BEULAH
_tries it_.)

BEULAH

Have I got it right?

SHIRLEY

Sure! He's just shooting his face off!

(_During this, the following conversation goes on:_)

ELAINE

You know that Wop that was giving me a play last night?

FRANCINE

You mean the one with the bent nose?

BEBE

I thought he was terrible. But that boy I had is a Count.

ELAINE

Well, look what he gave me.

EDNA

What is it?

BEBE

Let me see it.

ELAINE

I don't know what it is.

BEBE

Looks like money. What kind of money is that, Harry?

HARRY

It's an old Roman coin.

SHIRLEY

How much is it worth?

HARRY

I haven't looked up the latest rate of exchange on dinars. But I think,
dear, you've been betrayed. Now, pay attention, girls. . . . As I said,
we've got to improve the act, and with that in view, I'm going to retire
from all the dance routine.

BEBE

What?

BEULAH

Why, _Harry_--we couldn't. . . .

SHIRLEY

Oh! I hurt you, didn't I! (_She rushes to him, coos over him._) Yes, I
did, you poor baby. I hurt his feelings--and I'm sorry--I'm very, very
sorry.

HARRY

All right, Shirley. We can dispense with the regrets. Save your
lipstick. (_He thrusts her away._)

SHIRLEY

But why . . . ?

HARRY

I've decided that I'm a thinker, rather than a performer. From now on, I
shall devote myself to the purely creative end of the act, and, of
course, the negotiation of contracts.

BEULAH

But when did you make up your mind to this, honey?

HARRY

I've been considering it for a long time.

SHIRLEY

Say! What were you talking about to that Russian dame?

HARRY

We discussed world politics.

FRANCINE

Oh!

SHIRLEY

And how are politics these days?

BEBE

Did you get anywheres near to first base, Harry?

HARRY

I find it impossible to explain certain things to you girls. You're
children of nature.

SHIRLEY

We're _what_?

BEULAH

He means we're natural.

HARRY

Never mind, sweetheart. You'll sing the number, Shirley.

SHIRLEY

Me?

BEBE

With that terrible voice?

HARRY

She handled it fine that time I had bronchitis in Belgrade. And with a
little rehearsal, you'll have the whole League of Nations rooting for
you. Now--let's have it. (_He plays_, SHIRLEY _sings_, BEBE
_disapproves_.)

(DON _comes in, dressed for travelling_.)

DON

Captain Locicero has got the orders to let us through and the train is
due to leave about four o'clock. What a relief to be out of this foul
place!

HARRY

You going too, Don?

DON

Yes. There's nothing for me here. In fact, I'm sick and tired of Europe
as a whole. I was in town this morning when they shot Quillery.

BEBE

Who?

SHIRLEY

It was that little guy that bawled out the Wops.

BEULAH

They _shot_ him? Why did they have to do that?

DON

Of course, he asked for it. But even so, it's pretty sickening to see
one of your fellow human beings crumpled up in horrible, violent death.
Well--there'll be plenty more like him, and right here, too. The French
know all about this air base, and they'll be over any minute with their
bombs. So--it's California here I come!

HARRY

And run right into the Japs? Better stop off at Wichita.

DON

I'll see you all on the train. (_He goes up the stairs._)

HARRY

You girls go get yourselves ready.

(_The_ CHERRYS _appear on the gallery_. DON _speaks to them, then goes
out. The_ CHERRYS _come down_.)

ELAINE

O.K., Harry.

EDNA (_going_)

I'm surprised at those Wops. They seemed like such sweet boys.

BEBE

Sure--when they talk they sound like opera. But they're awful excitable.
(BEBE, ELAINE, EDNA _and_ FRANCINE _have gone out_.)

BEULAH

But I can't understand--why did they have to shoot that poor boy?

HARRY

It's hard to explain, Beulah. But it seems there's some kind of argument
going on over here, and the only way they can settle it is by murdering
a lot of people.

BEBE

You don't need to tell _me_ what it's like. I was in the Club Grotto the
night the Purple Gang shot it out with the G's. And was that terrible!
Blood all over everything! (_She and_ SHIRLEY _and_ BEULAH _have gone
out_.)

HARRY

You heard what they did to Quillery?

CHERRY

Yes. It seems that he died like a true patriot, shouting "Vive La
France."

HARRY

Better if he died like a man--sticking to what he knew was right.

CHERRY

He was a nice little chap.

MRS. CHERRY

The Italians are swine!

(DON _reappears on the balcony and comes down_.)

CHERRY

Oh, they had a perfect right to do it.

MRS. CHERRY

But to kill a man for saying what he thinks!

CHERRY

Many people will be killed for less than that.

HARRY

I'll have to be saying good-bye pretty soon. Did you say the train goes
at four, Don?

DON

Four o'clock. Correct! (_He goes._)

HARRY

I hope all this unpleasantness won't spoil your winter sports.

CHERRY

Oh, that's all washed up. We're going, too--if they'll let us cross the
border.

HARRY

So the honeymoon has ended already?

MRS. CHERRY

Yes--I suppose so.

CHERRY

England is coming into this business. We have to stand by France, of
course. And so there's nothing for it but . . .

MRS. CHERRY

And so Jimmy will have to do his bit, manning the guns, for
civilization. Perhaps he'll join in the bombardment of Florence, where
we were married.

CHERRY

You know--after the ceremony we went into the Baptistery and prayed to
the soul of Leonardo da Vinci that we might never fail in our devotion
to that which is beautiful and true. I told you we were a bit on the
romantic side. We forgot what Leonardo said about war. Bestial frenzy
he called it. And bestial frenzy it is.

MRS. CHERRY

But we mustn't think about that now. We have to stand by France. We have
to make the world a decent place for heroes to live in. Oh, Christ!
(_She starts to sob._ CHERRY _rushes to her_.)

CHERRY

Now, now, darling. We've got to make a pretense of being sporting about
it. Please, darling. Don't cry.

HARRY

Let her cry, the poor kid. Let her sob her heart out--for all the
God-damned good it will do her. You know what I often think? (_He is
trying to be tactful._) I often think we ought to get together and elect
somebody else God. Me, for instance. I'll bet I'd do a much better job.

MRS. CHERRY

You'd be fine, Mr. Van.

HARRY

I believe I would. There'd be a lot of people who would object to my
methods. That Mr. Weber, for instance. I'd certainly begin my
administration by beating the can off him.

CHERRY

Let's start the campaign now! Vote for good old Harry Van, and his Six
Angels!

(_The_ CAPTAIN _comes in with a brief-case full of papers and passports.
He takes these out and puts them on a table._)

CAPTAIN

Good afternoon, Mrs. Cherry. Gentlemen.

HARRY

Do we get across?

CAPTAIN

Here is your passport, Mr. Van--and the young ladies, with my
compliments. They have been duly stamped. (_He hands them over._)

HARRY

Thanks, Captain. And how about Mr. Weber and his--friend? Are they
going, too?

CAPTAIN

I have their passports here. I advise you to make ready, Mr. Van. The
train will leave in about forty-five minutes.

HARRY

O.K., Captain. See you later, Mr. and Mrs. Cherry. (_He goes._)

CHERRY

O.K., Harry.

MRS. CHERRY

And what about us, Captain?

CAPTAIN

Due to a slight technicality, you will be permitted to cross the
frontier. Here are your passports.

CHERRY

I can't tell you how grateful we are.

(WEBER _appears on the gallery_.)

CAPTAIN

You needn't be grateful to me, Mr. Cherry. The fact that you are allowed
to pass is due to the superb centralization of authority in my country.
The telegram authorizing your release was filed at 11:43 to-day, just
seventeen minutes before a state of war was declared between Great
Britain and Italy. I must obey the order of Rome, even though I know
it's out of date. Is your luggage ready?

CHERRY

It's all out here in the hall. We're off now, Captain. Well, good-bye
and good luck!

CAPTAIN

And good luck to you--both of you.

CHERRY

I need hardly say that I'm sorry about all this. It's really a damned
rotten shame.

CAPTAIN

It is. All of that. Good-bye, my friend. (_He extends his hand and_
CHERRY shakes it.) Madame. . . . (_He extends his hand to_ MRS. CHERRY.)

MRS. CHERRY

Don't call _me_ your friend, because I say what Quillery said--damn
you--damn your whole country of mad dogs for having started this horror.

CAPTAIN (_bows_)

It is not my fault, Mrs. Cherry.

CHERRY

It's utterly unfair to talk that way, darling. The Captain is doing his
miserable duty as decently as he possibly can.

CAPTAIN (_tactfully_)

In this unhappy situation, we are all in danger of losing our heads.

MRS. CHERRY

I know . . . I know. Forgive me for the outburst. (_She extends her hand
to the_ CAPTAIN _and they shake_.) I should have remembered that it's
everybody's fault.

CHERRY

That's right, my sweet. Come along. (_They go out._)

CAPTAIN (_to_ WEBER)

Frankly, my heart bleeds for them.

WEBER

They're young. They'll live through it, and be happy.

CAPTAIN

Will they? I was their age, and in their situation, twenty years ago,
when I was sent to the Isonzo front. And people said just that to me:
"Never mind, you are young--and youth will survive and come to triumph."
And I believed it. That is why I couldn't say such deceiving words to
them now.

WEBER

The cultivation of hope never does any immediate harm. Is everything in
order?

CAPTAIN (_rises_)

Quite, Monsieur Weber. Here it is. (_He hands over_ WEBER'S _passport_.)

WEBER

And Madame's?

(_The_ CAPTAIN _picks up a document on foolscap_.)

CAPTAIN

This is an unusual kind of passport. It has given us some worry.

WEBER

The League of Nations issues documents like that to those whose
nationality is uncertain.

CAPTAIN

I understand--but the attitude of Italy toward the League of Nations is
not at the moment cordial.

WEBER

Then you refuse to honor Madame's passport?

CAPTAIN

My instructions are to accord you every consideration, Monsieur Weber.
In view of the fact that Madame is travelling with you, I shall be glad
to approve her visa.

WEBER

Madame is not travelling with me. She has her own passport.

CAPTAIN

But it is understood that you vouch for her, and that is enough to
satisfy the authorities.

WEBER (_with cold authority_)

Vouch for her? It is not necessary for anyone to vouch for Madame! She
is entirely capable of taking care of herself. If her passport is not
entirely in order, it is no affair of mine.

CAPTAIN (_genuinely distressed_)

But--I must tell you, Monsieur Weber--this is something I do not like.
This places me in a most embarrassing position. I shall be forced to
detain her.

WEBER

You are a soldier, my dear Captain, and you should be used to
embarrassing positions. Undoubtedly you were embarrassed this morning,
when you had to shoot that confused pacifist, Quillery. But this is war,
and unpleasant responsibilities descend upon you and on me as well.
However . . . (_He sees_ HARRY, _who is coming in_.) I shall attend to
my luggage. Thank you, Captain. (_He goes out._)

CAPTAIN

Don't mention it. (_To_ HARRY.) The young ladies are ready?

HARRY

Yes--they're ready. And some of your aviators are out there trying to
talk them into staying here permanently.

CAPTAIN (_smiling_)

And I add my entreaties to theirs.

HARRY

We won't have any more trouble, will we?

(_The_ DOCTOR _appears on the gallery with coat, hat, books done in a
bundle, and umbrella. He comes downstairs._)

CAPTAIN

Oh, no, Mr. Van. Geneva is a lovely spot. All of Switzerland is
beautiful, these days. I envy you going there, in such charming company.

HARRY

Hi, Doctor. Have you got the rats all packed?

DOCTOR

Good afternoon. I am privileged to go now? (_He puts down all of his
belongings and crosses._)

CAPTAIN

Yes, Dr. Waldersee. Here is your passport.

DOCTOR

Thank you. (_He examines the passport carefully._)

HARRY

I can tell you, Doctor--I'm going to be proud to have known you. When I
read in the papers that you've wiped out cancer and won the Nobel prize,
and you're the greatest hero on earth, I'll be able to say, "He's a
personal friend of mine. He once admired my music."

DOCTOR (_solemnly_)

Thank you very much. (_To the_ CAPTAIN.) This visa is good for crossing
the Austrian border?

CAPTAIN

Certainly. But you are going to Zurich?

DOCTOR (_rises_)

I have changed my plans. I am going back into Germany. Germany is at
war. Perhaps I am needed. (_He crosses to pick up his coat._)

HARRY

Needed for what?

DOCTOR

I shall offer my services for what they are worth.

(HARRY _goes to help him on with his coat_.)

HARRY

But what about the rats?

DOCTOR (_fiercely_)

Why should I save people who don't want to be saved--so that they can go
out and exterminate each other? Obscene maniacs! (_Starts to put on his
gloves._) Then I'll be a maniac, too. Only I'll be more dangerous than
most of them. For I know all the tricks of death! And--as for my rats,
maybe they'll be useful. Britain will put down the blockade again, and
we shall be starving--and maybe I'll cut my rats into filets and eat
them. (_He laughs, not pleasantly, and picks up his umbrella and
books._)

HARRY

Wait a minute, Doctor. You're doing this without thinking. . . .

DOCTOR

I'm thinking probably that remedy you sold is better than mine. Hasten
to apply it. We are all diseased. . . .

HARRY

But you can't change around like this! Have you forgotten all the
things you told me? All that about backsliding?

DOCTOR

No, I have not forgotten the degradation of mankind--that is painful and
offensive to conceive. (_He is going out._) I am sorry to disappoint you
about the Nobel prize. (_He has gone._)

HARRY

Good-bye, Doctor. (_He sits down, wearily._) Why in the name of God
can't somebody answer the question that everybody asks? Why? Why? Oh--I
know the obvious answers, but they aren't good enough. Weber--and a
million like him--they can't take the credit for _all_ of this! Who is
it that did this dirty trick on a lot of decent people? And why do you
let them get away with it? That's the thing that I'd like to know!

CAPTAIN

We have avalanches up here, my friend. They are disastrous. They start
with a little crack in the ice, so tiny that one cannot see it, until,
suddenly, it bursts wide open. And then it is too late.

HARRY

That's very effective, Captain. But it don't satisfy me, because this
avalanche isn't made out of ice. It's made out of flesh and
blood--and--and _brains_. . . . It's God-damned bad management--that's
what it is! (_This last is half to himself._)

(IRENE _has appeared on the gallery and started to come down_.)

IRENE

Still upset about the situation, Mr. Van? Ah--good afternoon, my dear
Captain Locicero.

CAPTAIN

Good afternoon, Madame.

IRENE

I have had the most superb rest here. The atmosphere is so calm, and
impersonal, and soothing. I can't bear to think that we're going to
Biarritz, with the dull, dismal old sea pounding in my ears.

(WEBER _comes in_.)

IRENE

We are leaving now, Achille?

WEBER

I believe that some difficulties have arisen. (_He looks toward the_
CAPTAIN.)

IRENE

Difficulties?

CAPTAIN

I regret, Madame, that there must be some further delay.

IRENE

Oh! Then the train is not going through, after all?

CAPTAIN

The train is going, Madame. But this passport of yours presents problems
which, under the circumstances----

IRENE

Monsieur Weber will settle the problems, whatever they are. Won't you,
Achille?

WEBER

There is some question about your nationality, Irene.

CAPTAIN (_referring to the passport_)

It states here, Madame, that your birthplace is uncertain, but assumed
to be Armenia.

IRENE

That is a province of Russia!

CAPTAIN

You subsequently became a resident of England, then of the United
States, and then of France.

IRENE (_angrily_)

Yes--it's all there--clearly stated. I have never before had the
slightest difficulty about my passport. It was issued by the League of
Nations.

WEBER

I'm afraid the standing of the League of Nations is not very high in
Italy at this moment.

CAPTAIN

The fact is, Madame, the very existence of the League is no longer
recognized by our government. For that reason, we can not permit you to
cross the frontier at this time. (_She looks at him and then at_ WEBER.
_The_ CAPTAIN _hands her the passport_.) I'm sure you will appreciate
the delicacy of my position. Perhaps we shall be able to adjust the
matter to-morrow. (_He salutes and goes out, glad to escape._ HARRY
_goes with him, asking "What's the trouble, Captain? Can't something be
done about it?"_)

WEBER

I should of course wait over, Irene. But you know how dangerous it is
for me to delay my return to France by so much as one day. I have been
in touch with our agents. The premier is demanding that production be
doubled--trebled--at once.

IRENE

Of course.

WEBER

Here--(_He takes out an envelope containing money._) This will cover all
possible expenses. (_He gives her the envelope._) There is a train for
Venice this evening. You must go there and see Lanza. I have already
sent him full instructions.

IRENE

Yes, Achille. And I thank you for having managed this very, very
tactfully.

WEBER (_smiles_)

You are a genuinely superior person, my dear. It is a privilege to have
known you.

IRENE

Thank you again, Achille. Good-bye.

WEBER

Good-bye, Irene. (_He kisses her hand._ HARRY _returns_.) Coming, Mr.
Van?

HARRY

In a minute. (WEBER _goes_. IRENE _puts the money in her handbag_.)
Tough luck, babe.

IRENE

It's no matter.

HARRY

I just talked to the Captain and he isn't going to be as brutal as the
Bolsheviks were. I mean, you won't suffer any bayonet wounds. He'll fix
it for you to get through to-morrow.

IRENE

You want to be encouraging, my dear friend. But it's no use. The Italian
government has too many reasons for wishing to detain me. They'll see to
it that I disappear--quietly--and completely.

HARRY

Yes--I know all about that.

IRENE

All about what?

HARRY

You're a person of tremendous significance. You always were.

(SHIRLEY _appears at the left_.)

SHIRLEY

Hey, Harry! It's time for us to go.

HARRY

I'll be right out.

(SHIRLEY _goes_.)

IRENE

Go away--go away with your friends. If I am to die, it is no concern of
yours!

HARRY

Listen, babe--I haven't any wish to . . .

IRENE (_flaming_)

And please don't call me _babe_! (_She stands up and walks away from
him. He follows her._)

HARRY

My apologies, Madame. I just call everybody "babe."

IRENE

Perhaps that's why I do not like it!

HARRY

Even if I don't believe anything you say, I can see pretty plainly that
you're in a tough spot. And considering what we were to each other in
the old Governor Bryan Hotel----

IRENE

Must you always be in Omaha?

HARRY

I'd like to help you, Irene. Isn't there something I can do?

IRENE

I thank you, from my heart, I thank you, for that offer. But it's
useless. . . .

HARRY

You don't have to thank me. Tell me--what can I do?

IRENE

You're very kind, and very gallant. But, unfortunately, you're no match
for Achille Weber. He has decided that I shall remain here and his
decision is final!

HARRY

Is he responsible for them stopping you?

IRENE

Of course he is. I knew it the moment I saw that ashamed look on Captain
Locicero's face, when he refused to permit me . . .

HARRY

So Weber double-crossed you, did he! What has the son of a bitch got
against you?

IRENE

He's afraid of me. I know too much about his methods of promoting his
own business.

HARRY

Everybody knows about his methods. Little Quillery was talking about
them last night. . . .

IRENE

Yes--and what happened to Quillery? That's what happens to every one who
dares to criticize him. Last night I did the one thing he could never
forgive. I told him the truth! At last I told him just what I think. And
now--you see how quickly he strikes back!

(SHIRLEY _and_ BEBE _appear_.)

SHIRLEY

Harry! The bus is going to leave.

HARRY

All right--all right!

BEBE

But we got to go this _minute_!

HARRY

I'll be with you. Get out!

SHIRLEY (_as they go_)

Can you imagine? He stops everything to make another pass at that
Russian. (_They have gone._)

IRENE

Go ahead--go ahead! You can't help me! No one can! (_He picks up his
coat and hat._) But--if it will make you any happier in your future
travels with Les Blondes, I'll tell you, yes--I did know you, slightly,
in Omaha!

HARRY (_peering at her_)

Are you lying again?

IRENE

It was Room 974. Does that convince you?

HARRY (_ferociously_)

How can I remember what room it was?

IRENE (_smiling_)

Well, then--you'll never be sure, Mr. Van.

BEBE'S VOICE

Harry!

SHIRLEY'S VOICE

For God's sake, Harry!

DON (_appearing_)

We can't wait another instant! (DON _goes_.)

SHIRLEY'S VOICE

Come _on_!

HARRY

(_He turns and starts for the door, addressing the_ GIRLS _en route_.)
All right, God damn it! (_He goes out._)

(IRENE _takes out her vanity case, and does something to her face. She
takes off her hat and cloak._ DUMPTSY _comes in from the back. He is
wearing the uniform of a private in the Italian army, with gas mask at
the alert, and a full pack on his back._)

DUMPTSY

Good afternoon, Madame.

IRENE (_turning_)

Why, Dumptsy--what is that costume?

DUMPTSY

They called me up. Look! I'm an Italian soldier.

IRENE

You look splendid!

DUMPTSY

If you please, Madame. But why didn't you go on that bus?

IRENE

I've decided to stay and enjoy the winter sports.

DUMPTSY

I don't think this is a good place any more, Madame. They say the war is
very big--bigger than last time.

IRENE

Yes--I hear that on all sides.

DUMPTSY

The French will be here to drop bombs on everybody.

IRENE

It will be thrilling for us if they do. Won't it, Dumptsy?

DUMPTSY

Maybe it will, Madame. But--I came to say good-bye to Auguste, the
barman, and Anna, the maid. They're both cousins of mine. They'll laugh
when they see me in these clothes. (_He goes to the left._) Can I get
you anything, Madame?

IRENE

Yes, Dumptsy. I'll have a bottle of champagne. Bring two glasses. We'll
have a drink together.

DUMPTSY

If you please, Madame. (DUMPTSY _goes into the bar_. IRENE _lights a
cigarette and goes up to the window to look out_. PITTALUGA _comes in_.)

PITTALUGA

Your luggage is in the hall, Madame. Will you wish it taken to the same
suite?

IRENE

No--I didn't really care much for those rooms. Have you anything
smaller?

PITTALUGA (_in a less deferential tone_)

We have smaller rooms on the other side of the hotel.

IRENE

I'll have the smallest. It will be cozier.

PITTALUGA

You wish to go to it now?

IRENE

No. You can send up the luggage. I'll look at it later.

(PITTALUGA _bows and goes_. DUMPTSY _returns with the champagne_.)

DUMPTSY

I was right, Madame. Auguste laughed very much.

IRENE (_coming down_)

What will happen to your wife and children, Dumptsy?

DUMPTSY

Oh--I suppose the Fascisti will feed them. They promised to feed all the
families with a man who is out fighting for their country. (_He has
filled her glass. She sits down._)

IRENE

Go ahead and pour yourself one, Dumptsy.

DUMPTSY

Thank you so much, Madame. I wasn't sure I heard correctly.

IRENE

Here's to you, Dumptsy--and to Austria.

DUMPTSY

And to you, Madame, if you please.

IRENE

Thank you. (_They drink._)

DUMPTSY

And may you soon be restored to your home in Petersburg.

IRENE

Petersburg?

DUMPTSY

Yes, Madame. Your home.

IRENE (_with a slight smile_)

Ah, yes. My home! (_They drink again._) And have no fear for the future,
Dumptsy. Whatever happens--have no fear!

DUMPTSY

If you please, Madame, (_He finishes his drink._) And now I must go find
Anna, if you will excuse me.

IRENE

Here, Dumptsy. (_She hands him a note of money._) Good-bye, and God
bless you.

DUMPTSY

Thank you so much, Madame. (DUMPTSY _leans over and kisses her hand_.)
Kiss die hand, Madame.

(_The_ CAPTAIN _and_ MAJOR _come in from the lobby_. DUMPTSY _salutes,
strenuously, and goes out. The_ MAJOR _goes across and into the bar.
The_ CAPTAIN _is following him_.)

IRENE

Some champagne, Captain?

CAPTAIN

No, thank you very much.

IRENE

You needn't be anxious to avoid me, Captain. I know perfectly well that
it wasn't your fault.

CAPTAIN

You are very understanding, Madame.

IRENE

Yes--that's true. I am one of the most remarkably understanding people
on earth. (_She swallows her drink._) I understand so damned much that I
am here, alone, on this cold mountain, and I have no one to turn to,
nowhere to go . . .

CAPTAIN

If I can be of service to you in any way . . .

IRENE

I know you'll be kind, Captain Locicero. And faultlessly polite.

CAPTAIN (_with genuine sympathy_)

I realize, Madame, that politeness means nothing now. But--under these
tragic circumstances--what else can I do?

IRENE (_deliberately_)

What else can you do? I'll tell you what else you can do in these tragic
circumstances. You can refuse to fight! Have you ever thought of that
possibility? You can refuse to use those weapons that they have sold
you! But--you were going into the bar. Please don't let me detain you.

CAPTAIN

You will forgive me, Madame?

IRENE

Fully, my dear Captain. . . . Fully.

CAPTAIN

Thank you. (_He salutes and goes into the bar._)

(IRENE _pours herself another drink. Then she picks it up, goes to the
piano, and starts to play a sketchy accompaniment for_ "Kak Stranna."
_She seems to be pretty close to tears. Perhaps she does cry a little,
thoroughly enjoying the emotion._ HARRY _comes in wearing his snappy
overcoat and his hat. He pays no attention to her, as he takes off his
coat and hat and throws them down somewhere._)

IRENE

Did you have some trouble?

HARRY

No. Whose is that champagne?

IRENE

Mine. Won't you have some?

HARRY

Thanks.

IRENE

Dumptsy used that glass.

HARRY

That's all right. (_He fills the glass and drinks._)

IRENE

What happened? Didn't the train go?

HARRY

Yes--the train went. . . . I got the girls on board. Mr. and Mrs. Cherry
promised to look out for them. They'll be O.K.

IRENE

And you came back--to me?

HARRY (_curtly_)

It seems fairly obvious that I did come back. (_He refills his glass._)

IRENE

You meant it when you said that you wanted to help me.

HARRY

You said I'd never be sure. Well--I came back to tell you I _am_ sure!
I got thinking back, in the bus, and I came to the conclusion that it
_was_ Room 974 or close to it, anyway. And somehow or other, I couldn't
help feeling rather flattered, and touched, to think that with all the
sordid hotel rooms you've been in, you should have remembered that one.
(_He has some more champagne._)

IRENE (_after a moment_)

Bayard is not dead!

HARRY

Who?

IRENE

The Chevalier Bayard.

HARRY

Oh?

IRENE

Somewhere in that funny, music-hall soul of yours is the spirit of
Leander, and Abelard, and Galahad. You give up everything--risk your
life--walk unafraid into the valley of the shadow--to aid and comfort a
damsel in distress. Isn't that the truth?

HARRY

Yes--it's the truth--plainly and simply put. (_He pours himself more
champagne and drinks it quickly._) Listen to me, babe--when are you
going to break down and tell me who the hell are you?

IRENE

Does it matter so very much who I am?

HARRY

No.

IRENE

Give me some more champagne. (HARRY _goes to her and pours_.) My father
was not one of the Romanoffs. But for many years, he was their guest--in
Siberia. From him I learned that it is no use telling the truth to
people whose whole life is a lie. But you--Harry--you are different. You
are an honest man.

HARRY (_after a short pause_)

I am--am I? (_He crosses to the bar._) Another bottle of champagne.
. . . Hi, Captain.

CAPTAIN'S VOICE (_offstage in bar_)

What has happened, Mr. Van? Did you miss the train?

HARRY

No--just a God-damned fool. (_He closes the bar door._ IRENE _is gazing
at him. He goes to her and kisses her._)

IRENE

All these years--you've been surrounded by blondes--and you've loved
only me!

HARRY

Now listen--we don't want to have any misunderstanding. If you're
hooking up with me, it's only for professional reasons--see?

IRENE

Yes--I see.

HARRY

And what's more, I'm the manager. I'll fix it with the Captain for us to
cross the border to-morrow, or the next day, or soon. We'll join up with
the girls in Geneva--and that's as good a place as any to rehearse the
code.

IRENE

The code! Of _course_--the code! I shall learn it easily.

HARRY

It's a very deep complicated scientific problem.

IRENE

You must tell it to me at once.

HARRY

At once! If you're unusually smart and apply yourself you'll have a
fairly good idea of it after six months of study and rehearsal.

IRENE

A mind reader! Yes--you're quite right. I shall be able to do that very
well!

(AUGUSTE _enters from the bar with a bottle of champagne. He refills
their glasses, then refills_ HARRY'S _glass, gives_ HARRY _the bottle
and goes back in to the bar_.)

HARRY

And, another thing, if you're going to qualify for this act with me,
you've got to lay off liquor. I mean, after we finish this. It's a
well-known fact that booze and science don't mix. (_He has another
drink._ IRENE _is as one in a trance_.)

IRENE

I don't think I shall use my own name. No--Americans would mispronounce
it horribly. No, I shall call myself--Namoura . . . Namoura the
Great--assisted by Harry Van.

HARRY

You've got nice billing there.

IRENE

I shall wear a black velvet dress--very plain--My skin, ivory white. I
must have something to hold. One white flower. No! A little white prayer
book. That's it. A little white . . . (_The warning siren is heard._)
What's that?

HARRY

Sounds like a fire. (_The_ CAPTAIN _and_ MAJOR _burst out of the bar and
rush to the big window, talking excitedly in Italian and pointing to the
northwestern sky. The siren shrieks continue. The_ MAJOR _then rushes
out, the_ CAPTAIN _about to follow him_.) What's up, Captain?

CAPTAIN

French aeroplanes. It is reprisal for last night. They are coming to
destroy our base here.

HARRY

I see.

CAPTAIN

They have no reason to attack this hotel. But--there may easily be
accidents. I advise the cellar.

(AUGUSTE _rushes in from the bar_, PITTALUGA _from the lobby. The latter
orders_ AUGUSTE _to lower the Venetian blinds_.)

IRENE

Oh, no, Captain. We must stay here and watch the spectacle.

CAPTAIN

I entreat you not to be reckless, Madame. I have enough on my conscience
now, without adding to it your innocent life!

IRENE

Don't worry, Captain. Death and I are old friends.

CAPTAIN

God be with you, Madame.

(_He goes out._ HARRY _and_ IRENE _empty their glasses_. HARRY _refills
them. Airplane motors are heard, increasing. Then the sound of machine
guns._)

(_Bombs are heard bursting at some distance._ AUGUSTE _and_ PITTALUGA
_go_.)

IRENE

Those are bombs.

HARRY

I guess so.

IRENE

We're in the war, Harry.

HARRY

What do you think we ought to do about it? Go out and say "Boo"?

IRENE

Let them be idiotic if they wish. We are sane. Why don't you try singing
something?

HARRY

The voice don't feel appropriate. Too bad we haven't got Chaliapin here.
(_She laughs._) You know, babe--you look better blonde.

IRENE

Thank you.

(PITTALUGA _runs in_.)

PITTALUGA

The French beasts are bombing us! Every one goes into the cellar.

HARRY

Thanks very much, Signor.

PITTALUGA

You have been warned! (_He rushes out._)

IRENE

Ridiculous! Here we are, on top of the world--and he asks us to go down
into the cellar. . . . Do you want to go into the cellar?

HARRY

Do you?

IRENE

No. If a bomb hits, it will be worse in the cellar. (_He holds her close
to him. She kisses him._) I love you, Harry.

HARRY

You do, eh!

IRENE

Ever since that night--in the Governor Bryan Hotel--I've loved you.
Because I knew that you have a heart that I can trust. And that whatever
I would say to you, I would never--_never_ be misunderstood.

HARRY

That's right, babe. I told you I had you tagged, right from the
beginning.

IRENE

And you adore me, don't you, darling?

HARRY

No! Now lay off----

IRENE

No--of course not--you mustn't admit it!

HARRY

Will you please stop pawing me?

(_She laughs and lets go of him._)

(HARRY _pours more champagne, as she crosses to the window, opens the
slats of the blinds, and looks out. There is now great noise of planes,
machine guns and bombs._)

IRENE

Oh, you must see this! It's superb! (_He crosses to the window with his
glass and looks out. The light on the stage is growing dimmer, but a
weird light comes from the window. The scream of many gas bombs is
heard._) It's positively Wagnerian--isn't it?

HARRY

It looks to me exactly like "Hell's Angels." Did you ever see that
picture, babe?

IRENE

No. I don't care for films.

HARRY

I do. I love 'em--every one of them. (_He is dragging her to the
piano--a comparatively safe retreat._) Did you know I used to play the
piano in picture theatres? Oh, sure--I know all the music there is.

(_They are now at the piano_--HARRY _sitting_, IRENE _standing close by
him. She is looking toward the window. He starts to accompany the
air-raid with the_ "Ride of the Walkyries." _There is a loud
explosion._)

IRENE

Harry . . .

HARRY

Yes, babe?

IRENE

Harry--do you realize that the whole world has gone to war? The _whole
world_!

HARRY

I realize it. But don't ask me why. Because I've stopped trying to
figure it out.

IRENE

I know why it is. It's just for the purpose of killing _us_ . . . you
and me. (_There is another loud explosion._ HARRY _stops playing_.)
Because we are the little people--and for us the deadliest weapons are
the most merciful. . . .

(_Another loud explosion._ HARRY _drinks_.)

HARRY

They're getting closer.

IRENE

Play some more. (_He resumes the_ "Walkyrie.") Harry--do you know any
hymns?

HARRY

What?

IRENE

_Do you know any hymns?_

HARRY

Certainly. (_He starts to play_ "Onward, Christian Soldiers" _in furious
jazz time, working in strains of_ "Dixie." _There is another fearful
crash, shattering the pane of the big window. He drags her down beside
him at the piano._ HARRY _resumes_ "Onward, Christian Soldiers" _in a
slow, solemn tempo_.)

HARRY (_sings_)

    Onward, Christian Soldiers----

(IRENE _joins the loud singing_.)

BOTH (_singing_)

    Marching as to war--
    With the Cross of Jesus
    Going on before. . . .

(_The din is now terrific. Demolition--bombs, gas-bombs, airplanes,
shrapnel, machine guns._)


CURTAIN




POSTSCRIPT


During the past two weeks (this is March 16, 1936) the Italians have
made a great offensive in Ethiopia; there has been an outburst of
assassination and hara kiri by Fascists in Japan; the British Foreign
Secretary, Mr. Eden, has said in the House of Commons that the current
situation is "dreadfully similar to 1914"; a mutual assistance treaty
has been ratified between republican France and Soviet Russia, and the
German army has occupied the Rhineland, thereby shattering all that
remained of the treaties of Versailles and Locarno.

What will happen before this play reaches print or a New York audience,
I do not know. But let me express here the conviction that those who
shrug and say, "War is inevitable," are false prophets. I believe that
the world is populated largely by decent people, and decent people don't
want war. Nor do they make war. They fight and die, to be sure--but that
is because they have been deluded by their exploiters, who are members
of the indecent minority.

Of course, this delusion may still go on. If decent people will continue
to be intoxicated by the synthetic spirit of patriotism, pumped into
them by megalomaniac leaders, and will continue to have faith in the
"security" provided by those lethal weapons sold to them by the
armaments industry, then war _is_ inevitable; and the world will soon
resolve itself into the semblance of an ant hill, governed by commissars
who owe their power to the profundity of their contempt for the
individual members of their species.

But I don't believe this will be so. I believe that a sufficient number
of people are aware of the persistent validity of the Sermon on the
Mount, and they remember that, between 1914 and 1918, twelve million men
died in violence to make safe for democracy the world which we see about
us to-day. That awareness and remembrance can be strong enough to resist
the forces which would drive us back into the confusion and the darkness
and the filth of No Man's Land.

The megalomaniac, to live, must inspire excitement, fear and awe. If,
instead, he is greeted with calmness, courage and ridicule, he becomes a
figure of supreme insignificance. A display of the three latter
qualities by England, France, the Soviet Union, and the United States
will defeat Fascism in Germany, Italy, and Japan, and will remove the
threat of war which is Fascism's last gesture of self-justification.

By refusing to imitate the Fascists in their policies of heavily
fortified isolation, their hysterical self-worship and psychopathic
hatred of others, we may achieve the enjoyment of peaceful life on
earth, rather than degraded death in the cellar.

                                                           R. E. S.




TRANSCRIBER'S NOTES

The following changes were made to the original text:
Page 5: com'e bello! ==> com' bello!
Page 16: disscreetly ==> discreetly
Page 62: one of of our rooms ==> one of our rooms
Page 94: The Cherrys sits by her. ==> The Cherrys sit by her.

Other than changing Dumpsty to Dumptsy, correcting italic markup, and
adding a missing period, minor variations in spelling and punctuation
have been preserved.




[End of Idiot's Delight, by Robert Emmet Sherwood]
